Clarity, power and incisive questions

May 11, 2026|Kim's Blog, Marketing, Relationship Management|

At the recent PM Forum workshop on “Assertiveness, Effectiveness and Impact for Marketing and Business Development Assistants and Executives” we welcomed a lively group of delegates. Marketing and business development roles in professional services are improving on many fronts yet there were some worrying results (see poll results below): Just over 50% have unclear, changing or conflicting goals; 60% consider themselves passive; 60% often fail to say no and over 30% feel stress regularly, often or all the time. The emerging themes were on clarity, power and incisive questions. Assertiveness and confidence – Clarity, power and incisive questions

Clarity

I’ve noticed that this word – clarity – appears a lot in social media posts. It reminds me of Margaret Thatcher’s famous quote: “Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t”. The same goes for clarity and I’ve been tempted to write a post on the subject. I remember being impressed when a law firm used “Clarity Matters” in its rebranding in 2007. Everyone seems to be using it now. Maybe today’s increased use of AI reduces clarity instead of enhancing it?

Clarity is being easy to understand, hear or see. It’s often defined as freedom from ambiguity or indistinctness. It applies to stillness and presence (a quiet and calm mind), perception (seeing situations as they are), communication (clear speech and writing), boundaries (knowing your own value and the roles of others) and action (a clear, prioritised path).

It looks like a “cognitive shift” where uncertainty and anxiety decreases, focus becomes sharp, and decisions are made with calm confidence rather than overwhelming fear.

We talked about the many ways in which we – as marketers and business developers – can increase clarity for ourselves, our fee-earners and our clients:

Prepare – Research the people, organisations, markets and issues
Cut through complexity to the key issue
Organise your thoughts – Be clear what you think and what you want and anticipate questions
Know your audience – Tailor your message to their level of comprehension and interest
Simplicity – Use straightforward language that is easily understood
Precision and focus – Limit communication to three key messages
Communicate – Be easy to see, hear and understand
Avoid ambiguity, confusion or obscurity

Power and impact

Delegates observed each other to identify what people said and did to make a positive impact:

- Clarity of what they were saying
- Saying ‘No’
- Setting boundaries
- Confidence
- Progression
- Standing out and being different
- Personable
- Managing capacity
- Engaging
- Their presence
- Whether they smiled or not

Often, the reason we lack confidence, fail to be assertive or do not make an impact is the power difference between support staff and stakeholders and fee-earners. There can be a legitimate power difference in that others may be more senior and have direct authority.

Working with power differences is a key part of negotiation skills. French and Raven suggest there are five bases of power: legitimate power, referent power, expert power, information power and coercive power (see French and Raven’s Five Forms of Power)

Yet there are other sources of power: the power of the idea, the ability to persuade, access to resources, reputation/brand, creativity and a willingness to walk away.

We looked at the Presence, Authority and Impact (PIA) model of personal power. (see Towards leadership – Elevate your Presence, Influence and Impact and How do you make a personal impact – Make a difference)

We considered how to develop personal impact – the ability to influence and inspire others. For example:

To leave a positive impression on others requires authenticity, empathy and genuine passion for your purpose
To transcend the boundaries of authority and connect with people on a deeper level, elicit engagement and trust. Foster genuine connections. Empathy allows you to understand your audience and tailor your message accordingly – to read the room, listen actively and adapt your language, tone and delivery
Body language or non-verbal communication plays a role – and the use of stories to connect on an emotional level and make complex ideas more relatable

In the PIA model, it is possible for all of us to achieve more personal power by making an impact by asking incisive questions

Incisive questions

A delegate asked the excellent question “what is an incisive question?” when we discussed the PIA model.

Incisive means something is framed in a way that “cuts through”.

An incisive question is a direct, sharp, penetrating inquiry designed to cut through complexity and challenge limiting assumptions. The idea was popularized by psychologist Nancy Kline’s in her book “Time to Think”.

Incisive questions identify hidden, untrue beliefs (see Before your set your goals – check your limiting assumptions) and replace them with liberating ones, freeing the mind to see new possibilities and solutions. They are similar to Socratic questions What is Socratic questioning? (Questioning skills)

Incisive questions are:

Targeted: Focused on the core of a problem rather than the surface symptoms
Assumption-Challenging: To uncover and dismantle assumptions (your own and other peoples)
Result-Oriented: Designed to unlock creativity and action

Incisive questions are used to shift perspective and overcome blockages, for example:

Leadership/goal setting: “If you knew for a fact that you already have the necessary skills, what is the very first step you would take toward that promotion?”
Overcoming personal beliefs: “What is the assumption stopping you?” leading to “If you knew that, ‘I can learn this’, what would you do next?”
Strategic planning: “If time and money were not obstacles, what would the ideal outcome look like?”
Relationship Management: “What am I assuming about this person’s intentions that is hindering communication?”

There was a reminder that curiosity and questions are key tools to build empathy and agreement.

What is curiosity and why is it important in business relationships? (Video)

Why are questions so important? (Questioning skills)

“Good questions inform, great questions transform” Ken Coleman

Other points raised in the session

There were some other interesting points raised during the session

Self-awareness

Self-awareness is the first of four domains in emotional intelligence.

We need to see ourselves as we are – and then consider how others might perceive us. Assess whether our self-perception is a truely reflected.

Delegates completed exercises to know their values, style, strengths, goals and limiting assumptions. We need to be comfortable with who we are. We need to be realistic about development needs. These exercises are the starting point to building your personal brand – an authentic view of yourself with a dash of aspirational you. How to create and promote your personal brand – Kim Tasso

Many of us are trying to change perceptions – to shift how people perceive us. Particularly as we raise our visibility. Some reflected that we try to shift perceptions of the team – for MBD to not be seen as back office administration but as strategic advisers.

We can check the validity of our self-perception by obtaining feedback from a trusted source.

Feedback – And the ability to assert yourself and say “No”

“Feedback is the breakfast of champions” Ken Blanchard

“We all need people who will give us feedback. That’s how we improve” Bill Gates

Delegates were asked to complete a task (giving honest feedback to each other) that made some feel uncomfortable. But they didn’t say “no” or ask to modify the exercise. Some tried to comply with request – despite the discomfort. Others passively did not engage in the exercise.

Delegates did not attempt to challenge the seniority or “power” of the facilitator. Nor did they calmly state that it felt uncomfortable. Or suggest modifications or an alternative exercise. Possibly there was a fear of being judged as non-compliant or negative. We considered the impact of cognitive biases – particularly the spotlight effect and negativity bias. And reflected that we are sometimes afraid of disappointing or upsetting other people or hurting their feelings.

This suggests a lack of assertiveness. A similar situation to when fee-earners sometimes give an instruction that we wish to challenge, but don’t.

A main function of marketing and business development is seeking feedback from clients. It is how we check that clients are receiving the service that they expect us deliver. And to detect early new needs.

Lessons from breakout groups on saying “No”:

Build trust in the relationship so it is easier to share your honest views
Sometimes it is a lack of understanding and education can make it easier to say “No”
Manage expectations – be realistic about what can be achieved in timescales, constraints etc
Agree to meet in the middle (collaborate and compromise)
Fee-earners will respect the reasons if explained clearly and calmly
Set boundaries (and stick to them)
Ask for help from senior managers
Challenge people’s views (one delegate said they had heard feedback that fee-earners like to be challenged!)
Ask what they actually need
Explore what urgent really means

There’s a parallel process: As we learn to communicate and build relationships with fee-earners and deliver a good service to them to manage our reputation – so fee-earners must do the same with their clients.

Giving feedback in professional relationships – Kim Tasso

Assertiveness skills – getting what you want and saying “No”

Healthy boundaries at home and at work – how to set and maintain

Assertiveness toolbox – Kim Tasso

Fear and the “freeze” response

One delegate shared a story. They were invited to a meeting to talk to another business function and a senior stakeholder. The delegate knew their subject well. But in the meeting they froze and remained silent.

This is an example of our brain perceiving a threat – and releasing chemicals to initiate the fight, flight or freeze response. It is physiological. But as we develop our emotional intelligence we learn to recognise what we are feeling and manage our emotions (self regulate) more effectively.

An introduction to emotional intelligence (EQ) and empathy (Video)

Emotional Regulation – A key element of Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

Research on leadership and emotional intelligence (EQ)

Confidence – Radiators and Drains and the 90 second rule

Different aims and “difficult” behaviour

Another delegate shared a story where a senior associate wished to pursue a pitch opportunity. But it didn’t meet the firm’s agreed criteria. The MBD assistant explained the firm’s protocol and process.

The MBD assistant was caught in the middle – the associate wanted one thing, but the firm’s protocol and rules directed different action. The assistant was caught in the middle of two competing aims.

The assistant calmly explained the situation. The Senior Associate decided to pursue the opportunity on their own. The MBD Assistant held the line that they were unable to help.

Others suggested that we can seek advice and support from those fee-earners who act as sponsors or champions. Or share stories of fee-earners in similar situations – preferably success stories.

We may encounter various types of “difficult” behaviour. It takes confidence and experience to learn to navigate them effectively.

fixed views and closed to new ideas (dealing with stubbornness)

What do you do when your boss is a micro-managing control freak?

Managing client complaints – Process, anger and apologies

Dealing with “difficult” people – Nine strategies for dealing with arrogance

Soft skills – Dealing with difficult conversations

Resources to help you deal with difficult interactions

the parent, adult, child (PAC) model helps with difficult interactions

Future Marketing (BD) Manager – Ogres, Cacti and Dance the POLCA

Managing challenging behaviour and Personal Development Plans

Delegate information

Administrators, assistants, executives and senior executives in law and accountancy firms – most with broad roles and a few concentrating on bids, client development, pursuits, CRM systems

Across the UK – Locations included: London, Exeter, Norwich, Leicester, Birmingham, Cambridge, Bristol and Leeds

What are your aims for this session?

Feel better when writing than speaking
How to work better with different personalities
How to get along better with my team and fee-earners
Increase my confidence and assertiveness
To walk into a room and leave a lasting (good) impression
Feel more comfortable with senior fee-earners
Make a difference (another word for impact!)
Stand out in meetings
Progress to manager
Learn to “speak my truth” (i.e. living authentically by expressing your genuine feelings, values, and experiences, even when it is uncomfortable. It involves vulnerability and self-awareness to communicate, using “I” statements, and setting boundaries without trying to control how others react)

Which (real or fictional) role models do you admire for assertiveness, confidence and effectiveness?

Selma Blair – Wikipedia Campaigning about multiple sclerosis
Olivia Pope – Wikipedia Confident and assertive – commands a room she walks into
Harvey Specter – Wikipedia Presence, confidence, impact and success
Shrek (character) – Wikipedia Hard on the outside, soft on the inside
Gordon Ramsay – Wikipedia Says it as it is – true to self (but perhaps a little aggressive!)
Leading women in sports and fitness sector
Anyone who runs the London Marathon
Our team of four women – fantastic and confident
My mum – who raised us on her own
My manager

Delegate takeaways

Communication skills
Different personality types
Pause before responding Confidence – Radiators and Drains and the 90 second rule
The importance on remaining calm when dealing with challenging personalities
Learning to go slower and pause
Self-belief – I AM good at what I do
Work to your own timeline
Focus on growth (personal and the firm)
Emotional contagion Emotional contagion, delegation, coaching and team meetings
Keep messaging short – three things Power of three – Writing and presentation basics (Video)
Fogging – Acknowledging people’s truth/feelings The Fogging Technique – Assertiveness Skills Articles (revolutionlearning.co.uk)
Limiting assumptions (and how much I use them!) Before your set your goals – check your limiting assumptions
Speaking up Confidence – How to get a word in when people keep talking
Making sure to speak up at the start of a meeting
Push out of my comfort zone, offer to chair more group meetings
Speak up more you are an expert in your field
Saying No Assertiveness skills – getting what you want and saying “No” (kimtasso.com)
Eat the frog! 35 tips to improve Time Management for busy professionals
Managing time better and learning to delegate where needed Delegation for leaders – a how to guide
Learn to ask incisive questions
The knowledge on confidence and how I can appear confident through body language and through the way I speak
Gain more knowledge to progress
Have the confidence to speak up (which does come with time)
3-part sentences Assertiveness skills – getting what you want and saying “No”
Hearing other people’s thoughts and experiences
We all occasionally fear feeling silly or not saying the right thing
Not feeling alone in my struggles with confidence, helpful to look outwards
Be kind to myself