I’ve produced videos and written articles about Transactional Analysis (TA). In particular, about the Parent Adult Child (PAC) model. The model is helpful to therapy clients learning about how they feel, think and behave. The PAC model can also help us understand and minimise difficult conversations in the workplace. the parent, adult, child (PAC) model helps with difficult interactions. It also describes the “I’m OK, You’re OK” model which results in various “games people play”. This short, wonderful book explains simply how counselling can help you deal with psychological distress. It uses the characters from the much-loved book “The Wind in the Willows” by Kenneth Grahame to describe the PAC model and how it can help you. Book review – Counselling for toads (A psychological adventure) by Robert de Board.
About Counselling for Toads
The book explains how therapy – and particularly Transactional Analysis (TA) – can help you resolve emotional distress and achieve psychological growth and development. And describes what might happen in therapy.
This beautifully written 150-page book is a master class in using storytelling to convey complex ideas and make them interesting and accessible. (To learn more about storytelling skills: Book review: Unleash the power of storytelling by Rob Biesenbach)
Toad is depressed and Heron is his therapist. The ten chapters of the book summarise ten therapy sessions where Toad learns to analyse his feelings and develop emotional intelligence (also known as EQ or IQ – An introduction to emotional intelligence (EQ) and empathy (Video)). He meets his inner “Rebellious Child” and his “Adult” along the way.
Author Robert de Board is an organisational consultant based in Henley-on-Thames and visiting professor at Henley Management College. He is the author of two best-selling textbooks – Counselling Skills and The Psychoanalysis of Organisations.
Toad’s therapy journey
The story opens with Mole feeling miserable as he feels that he lives in capable Rat’s shadow. So he goes to visit Toad at Toad Hall and is shocked to find the place rather run down. Receiving no answer, he assumes that Toad is out enjoying himself. But on further exploration, he finds the saddest Toad he has ever seen. Toad bursts into tears.
Mole later reflected that Toad’s ill-kempt appearance represented a serious internal change in his spirits. Whilst talking to Rat about what they could do to help Toad, they find an advert in the paper for a qualified counsellor (Heron). On their way to talk to Toad they bump into Badger who agrees to accompany them to visit Toad. I like that the story starts with people recognising that their friend needs help and suggesting a solution (counselling).
After some persuading by his friends, Toads makes a counselling appointment. Heron, the counsellor, remains quiet while Toad expresses his sadness. Heron explains that counselling is voluntary and that Toad, not his friends, must pay. Toad has to take responsibility for his counselling. Heron explains what is involved.
Toad’s depression extends into sleep issues and anxiety “it seemed to him that he saw everything in monochrome, like an old sepia photograph”. He visits Heron again. Using a flipchart, Heron asks Toad to describe how he feels using a 1-10 scale. And whether he feels suicidal. Toad shares that he feels he hasn’t achieved much in his life. He shares some adventures from his earlier life and how his friends reacted negatively. And how he tried to make his friends pleased with him – but their stern reactions reminded Toad of his father. Heron introduces the idea of Toad’s Child Ego State.
At the third session, Heron continued to listen attentively. And explained the basic emotions (fun and affection, anger, sadness and fear) we experience as a Natural Child – which is a significant part of the Child Ego State. “People get into their Child State and feel and act exactly the same as they did when they were little, quite irrespective of their chronological age”. Heron explains about the impact of how our parents speak to us when we are small – “What we learn is a strategy for living” – they are adaptations (the Adapted Child). And how triggers of childhood feelings evolve.
The session evokes many memories – particularly about his father – where Toad felt he did not come up to his high standards. He remembered few cuddles from his mother. He starts to feel angry – and then guilty. Heron explains the dangers of ignoring or suppressing feelings – a vital part of you is severed. The stern behaviour of his parents meant Toad had to learn to get on with his “aggressors” – by agreeing with them (compliant behaviour – pleasing, apologising, dependency). And changed his behaviour to get their attention.
Toad reflects on his friend Badger – who didn’t listen, was angry, told others what to do and then criticised them for their shortcomings. And wondered why he couldn’t express his anger. Heron explained the difference between bottling up anger and then letting it out in an explosive burst (a tantrum) and letting it out slowly and gently. He explains how a child releases its anger – from a strong position: rebellion, tantrums, sulking – through weaker methods: petulance, moping, delaying, being bored and withdrawing. These are defence mechanisms developed in childhood to protect us from real or imaginary dangers.
Badger visits Toad. And explains that he is thinking of taking over Toad’s role as the governor of a local school – because Toad hadn’t been attending meetings. He suggests Toad resign his role. Toad says he needs time to think – as he is angry. By the time of his next therapy session, Toad’s anger has become what Heron calls – PLOM “Poor Little Old Me”. Heron suggests Toad is playing games and colluding with Badger. Heron suggests that Badger was in Critical Parent State.
Toad feels that he doesn’t have a Parent state. Heron provides an interesting explanation: “I think confusion is the first stage in the learning process. It happens when fixed boundaries begin to unfreeze. You start to be confronted with new data that challenge existing beliefs and behaviours. It can be the beginning of creativity, the anxiety that drives the process of change”. Toad realises that his Parent State criticises himself. Heron asks him to stop judging and to be kinder to himself.
Toad feels stronger considering emotional and threatening ideas more rationally. He takes a boat out. And accepts a lunch invite from Rat and Mole. But he feels fragile – like he has taken off his armour. He says that he has decided not to resign the governorship – and to go up for election alongside Badger if necessary. His friends noticed that Toad listened more and seemed calmer.
At the next session, Heron explains that Toad’s calmer behaviour is neither acting like his parents or his childhood state – he is in Adult state (rational and unemotional – where we can plan, consider, decide and act). And the only state where we can learn something new about ourselves – because we are more conscious of what we feel and do. Whereas in Parent and Child states our behaviour is more of a conditioned reflex – an automatic response to a certain stimulus. In Child state we blame others, in Adult state we take responsibility. Heron mentions the power of forgiveness. And Toad agrees to share his life story with Heron at a future session.
Toad’s story includes his parents and grandparents, his time at a boarding school, his ability to always make people laugh, starting a dining club, his acceptance into Cambridge University, his poor academic work, criticism from people at college, scraping through, his father’s desire for him to take over the family business, becoming a tutor at a prep school, his father’s death and his inheritance of Toad Hall, the cricket club, his boating hobby, being part of the housing trust and his quest to find something he was good at. And his disgrace after a caravanning accident.
Toad felt relieved having told his story. He could see his life in the round. And his emerging life script – which he was acting out wherever possible. He then had a disturbing dream. Heron explains that to understand your present, you must look at your past – and your earliest beginnings. These shape your view of the world. And how you think about yourself “Am I OK?” and what you think of others “Are they OK?”. Heron then considers the four combinations – or life positions – that follow. And then we live our life to make sure our “prophesy” comes true. The inevitable consequences. In TA these are called “games”. (see Games People Play | Eric Berne | Creator of Transactional Analysis). Games are played at the social level, where things appear to be open and honest. And a psychological level, where the motivation is covert.
At the next session, Heron talks about the connection between the games people play and their life positions. Toad decided he was “I’m not OK; you’re OK” which means he thinks poorly of himself and feels other people are better than he is. Heron explained this appeared as a game called “I’m so Unlucky” – people who select and remember the sad and unhappy events and forget or discount the good times. They explored other games such as “Love me no matter what I do”. And the most extreme “Not OK” game that can result in suicide. These result from Sad Child State.
Heron then talked about “Now I’ve got you, you son of a b*tch” – which comes from the “I’m OK, You’re not OK” life position. Which is often played by people at work – it allows the angry person to act angry. And where people in authority can act out their fantasy of the punishing parent and treat their staff like naughty children. Other games mentioned include “Why do you always let me down?”, “How dare you!”. There are echoes of the drama triangle here Business relationships – Using the drama triangle to resolve conflict
I really enjoyed this quote: “Because anger is such a good defence against depressing thoughts, Angry people never feel guilty because they always blame others, they defend themselves by projecting their internal fears outwards on to others, so they can be angry with them instead of with themselves”.
At the final session, Toad reported that he had put some structure into his existence (e.g. daily walks, counselling sessions). And noticed that he had started to feel better, look forward to things again and started making plans for the future. His self-rating had moved to a nine. Heron noticed the difference between being independent and being interdependent.
This diagram summarises the various ego states of Parent – Adult – Child (PAC model)
Contents:
- Mole finds Toad in a poorly state
- With friends like these…
- Toad’s first meeting with his counsellor
- Why Toad feels so depressed
- The next meeting
- Toad explores his childhood
- Toad meets the Rebellious Child
- A surprise visit from Mr Badger
- After Badger’s visit
- Lunch at Rat’s house
- Toad meets the Adult
- The true history of Theophilus Toad
- The continuous creation of Toad’s familiar world
- Playing games or winner loses all
- The final session
- Farewells and new beginnings
Resources on Transactional Analysis (TA) and therapy
My therapy web site is: Tasso Talking Therapy (Please don’t hesitate to telephone or email for an informal and confidential chat about your mental health)
Short videos
Soft skills – Boost your self-confidence and confidence (Video) (kimtasso.com) October 2020
Business relationships – Using the drama triangle to resolve conflict (kimtasso.com) September 2020
How the parent, adult, child (PAC) model helps with difficult interactions (kimtasso.com) September 2020
Change process – Emotions when reacting to change (kimtasso.com) April 2020
Building Resilience – Regulation, Reframing, Relationships and Reflection (kimtasso.com) May 2020
Articles
Assertiveness toolbox – Kim Tasso May 2025
What happens in therapy? – Kim Tasso April 2025
Confidence to overcome a fear of failure – Kim Tasso September 2024
my relationships like rollercoaster rides? Volatile relationships (kimtasso.com) August 2024
How do you choose a therapist? – Kim Tasso July 2024
Emotional Regulation – A key element of Emotional Intelligence (EQ) (kimtasso.com) August 2021
Psychology and business communication (kimtasso.com) January 2015 An introduction to Transactional Analysis (TA) and the Parent Adult Child model
10 tips to increase your resilience – Kim Tasso March 2013
Therapy self-help book reviews
Book Review: The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle March 2025 A best-selling guide to ceasing your incessant thoughts, focusing on the present “here and now”, spiritual enlightenment and finding inner peace.
Overcoming low self-esteem – a self help guide using cognitive behavioural techniques January 2025
Book review: Taking charge of Adult ADHD by Russell A Barkley (kimtasso.com) October 2024
“Adult children of emotionally immature parents – how to heal (kimtasso.com) August 2024 An excellent book that has helped several clients suffering from anxiety, depression and “failed” relationships. How to recognise emotional, driven, passive and rejecting parenting styles and the coping mechanisms adopted (e.g. people pleasing, high independence etc).
Book reviews on stress and trauma – “When the body says No” (kimtasso.com) June 2024 Review of “When the body says no – The cost of hidden stress” by Gabor Mate and “The body keeps the score – mind, brain and body in the transformation of trauma” by Dr Bessel Van Der Kolk
Book review: The Thriving Lawyer by Traci Cipriano (resilience) (kimtasso.com) June 2024 A review of a book into the mental health and resilience of lawyers in law firm cultures. The author is a former practising attorney and clinical psychologist.
The Tools – Five life-changing techniques to unlock your potential (kimtasso.com) April 2024 A review of the book by psychiatrist Phil Stutz
Book review – Creating self-esteem by Lynda Field (kimtasso.com) March 2024 A classic book on realizing your true self worth
Book review: How to do the work (recognise your patterns (kimtasso.com) December 2023. Review of a book to support psychoeducation. Topics include: conscious self, theory of trauma, mind-body healing practices, inner child, boundaries, reparenting and emotional maturity.
Dr Julie Smith (Mental Health Guidance) (kimtasso.com) July 2023. Review of the book “Why has nobody told me this before?” that explores helpful ideas on low mood and depression, motivation, anxiety, emotional pain, grief, self-doubt, fear, stress and a meaningful life.
Overcoming clinical depression (2021) by Oliver Kamm (kimtasso.com) March 2023. A review of the book “Mending the Mind” which explores what it is like to suffer from depression and both the medical and psychological sources of help.
Lost connections – Why you’re depressed by Johann Hari (kimtasso.com) October 2019. A review of a popular book about the nine common reasons people suffer from depression.
Crazy busy – Book review – Dealing with stress (kimtasso.com) October 2009. This book examines modern life and offers practical advice to avoid stress and restore calm.
Book review: The psychology of successful women by Shona Rowan (kimtasso.com) June 2022. Topics include: confidence, assertiveness, boundaries, public speaking, impact, influence, visibility and bouncing back from setbacks.
Your personal transition – Endings, neutral zone and new beginnings (kimtasso.com) June 2020. Helps you navigate major changes in your life and prepares you for the emotional roller-coaster of change.
