Whilst published in 1993, this remains an often-quoted book in the area of self-esteem and realizing your true worth. Self-esteem often arises in my workshops on confidence and sometimes in coaching sessions. It’s a short book (150 pages) and a relatively quick and easy read – designed for those without prior psychology knowledge. Anyone who feels they suffer from Imposter Syndrome will find it useful. The author – Lynda Field – Life Coach (wordpress.com) – sadly, died in 2020. This brief review may also help counselling and psychotherapy clients. Book review – Creating self-esteem by Lynda Field. The subtitle is “A practical guide to realizing your true worth”.
Introduction
When we are high in self-esteem we feel good about ourselves. We are born with high self-esteem. But as we grow, we learn self-doubt and to be defensive so that we can “protect” ourselves. Self-esteem is recognised as a key factor in positive self-development.
A holistic approach describes us as existing at spiritual, mental, emotional and physical levels. Where these are integrated it is a positive experience (described as creative) whereas otherwise it is described as a victim experience. You are a victim if you feel you have no choices and operate in a fear-based lifestyle.
The author suggests that when you are evaluating yourself for what you are and not just for what you do you are operating with creative consciousness. This is the idea of intrinsic self-worth. Super self-conscious people (those with very low self-esteem) either hide in frantic activity or in withdrawal.
Part 1 – Connecting (spiritual experience)
I needed to postpone my doubts about the discussion of your spiritual self. But the author suggests that you are developing your spiritual self when you learn to trust your intuitive awareness. She talks about the difference between being (awareness within the person) and doing (activities out in the world) which is central to many therapeutic schools.
She suggests setting aside time to nurture yourself. Just a few minutes each day to think solely about your own needs.
Feelings of unworthiness and uncertainty grow from lack of emotional support during early childhood. She warns against comparing yourself to others: “Every time you compare yourself with someone else you are mistrusting your own ability to make appropriate choices”.
Describing your inner journey, she says that we meet our material desires by being out in the world with our body senses and thoughts. But suggests that we will never feel totally fulfilled by anything in the material world because we need nourishment at all levels of our being. She talks about how we connect – by feeling “oneness” with the universe. And mentions that yoga and meditation are tools we can use to still the mind and lead us to experience inner changes.
To open our minds and our hearts we need to connect things – rather than categorize and compartmentalise things as we have learned. Low self-esteem stems from a belief that your worth depends on your abilities – and if you make a mistake you are worthless. This view suggests that our worth is only measurable in material terms.
She describes George Gurdjieff’s technique of “self-remembering” and the concept of the witness. It is a reflection technique to consider how many “yous” there are inside you. We play many parts during each day and our “you” changes with each. Where a “you” makes a mistake we blame ourselves and these feelings perpetuate low self-esteem. Whereas if we adopt the role of witness, we observe all that we do and think but are not evaluative or judgemental. By witnessing our “yous” we can oibjectify them and break our identification with them. The calm centre of the witness allows us to experience a spiritual state where we can feel at the centre of our own lives.
She observes that connecting is about linking rather than thinking, it’s about being rather than doing. She again talks about the importance of “me” time – time spent absolutely for your own personal enjoyment. She suggests that if you have no time to spend on yourself then you self-esteem is very low.
She suggests that we progress to “me-alone” time. She says some people spend time alone because they have low self-esteem and are afraid of worldly activity. And others are terrified to be alone who are also low in self-esteem and hide their feelings of inadequacy in excessive “doing” in the world. She provides an example chart to track your feelings during alone time. Then progresses the exercise by being alone and not doing anything and then to be in silence. She offers tips to transcend your mental chatter when silent.
Part 2 – Understanding (mental experience)
This section starts with an exercise to consider how you describe yourself. To help you identify your core belief – how you see yourself. If it’s a negative self-view, the author asks whether you would be as hard and judgemental with someone else.
She mentions Louise Hay’s technique of listing all the things you think “I should” (or “I ought”) and then asking yourself why. And then replacing “should” with “could”. This feels more flexible and offers more options. She continues by suggesting that we are what we believe we are – the power of the self-fulfilling prophesy – and the need to break out of cycles of negative self-beliefs.
A poor self concept can be traced back to an early assimilation of negative ideas and attitudes about yourself. Caregivers may have invalidated you and made you emotionally disabled. She provides interesting examples of different parenting approaches – and their impact. And mentions Virgina Satir’s book “Peoplemaking” where she refers to the family as the factory where people are made.
Our ability to create self-esteem relies on our communication skills. A good relationship is largely dependent on understanding another’s meaning. It requires asking questions and really listening. And suspending out personal stuff which prevents us from being open and trusting and able to take risks.
Emotional unavailability is where there is no meaningful communication – the lines of communication are closed. It is infectious (see Emotional contagion, delegation, coaching and team meetings (kimtasso.com)). There is also mention of mixed messages – where the words that are spoken are not aligned with the way they are spoken. They are incongruous. Sometimes the mixed messages are because we have been telling emotional lies in order to keep up appearances since childhood. Tools to help are self-validation and affirmations.
Part 3 – Feeling (emotional experience)
I like the metaphor the author uses – self-esteem (what we feel) is the cake and the icing (what appears to others) is confidence. But you can have icing on an inadequate cake – what the author calls “the fraud principle” and what other’s call Imposter Syndrome. Be more confident and convey confidence – top tips (kimtasso.com)
Denial of emotional expression stems from a fear of the power of feelings and a reluctance to express our needs. Some people fear that if they show their emotional “weaknesses”, they will become vulnerable. But the author points out that if we practice the art of hiding our feelings from others (unexpressed feelings) we will hide our feelings from ourselves (unacknowledged feelings). But unexpressed feelings don’t go away.
She talks about the four stages of denial of our feelings. And notes that when we suppress our thoughts and feelings we close down the lines of communication. We give our feelings power over us when we deny them: “There is no such things as a negative feeling. Negativity lies in the denial of a feeling”. And feelings are compounded when you deny them.
She suggests sitting still, shutting your eyes and asking yourself “How do I feel at the moment?”. If we have become out of touch with our feelings – we are listening to our head (thoughts) and not our hearts (emotions). Before you can let go of a feeling, we must first acknowledge it. She mentions Susie Orbach’s phrase “emotional illiteracy” to describe those we are unable to acknowledge, act upon and let go of our feelings.
She suggests it is our resistance to a feeling that causes us pain. And notes that if we deny our feelings we will get stuck. She offers a five step process to let go – arguing that if suppression causes the problem then expression can negate it. She argues that “Your feelings cannot hurt you” – but I remember a therapist once saying this to me and my strong reaction reflecting that some very dark feelings can drive a person to self-harm.
In “It’s OK to be angry” she says that many people try to avoid expressing anger. And notes that sometimes people become angry for trivial reasons. She talks about emotional bubbles combining to create an emotional volcano. (A little like the stress bucket concept). Each time we deny our anger we lose touch with ourselves a bit more. She shares Shakti Gawain’s comment “When we suppress our true power and allow other people to have undue power over us, we become angry”. The author suggest creating a safe place where you can be free to shout, cry, thump pillows and jump around to express your anger.
There’s a section on the magic of forgiveness. Contradicting old thought patterns with positive affirmations means we are able, eventually, to get rid of our limiting beliefs. Coaching and Consulting skills – Limiting beliefs, approaches to helping (kimtasso.com). Referring to Blake’s “Poison Tree” she explains that repressing anger can breed hatred so that a person can rejoice in the downfall of another. The state of unforgiveness lowers self-esteem. When we forgive, we “let go” of the ties that bind us to another in hatred. She suggests asking yourself “where is this anger directed?”. The author talks through a forgiveness system.
Part 4 – Acting (behaviour)
“Our beliefs are at the root of all our behaviour”. So, she argues, if we change our beliefs a change in our actions will eventually follow. This is a central tenet of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT).
She returns to the use of affirmations and the cycles of creative consciousness or victim consciousness. You can lose control over your life because you can’t take responsibility for it. There’s a victim questionnaire and a self-profile indicator. And gentle coaching through how to be brave, make decisions and act differently.
“It’s not what you see, it’s the way that you see it” is an interesting section on perception. She asserts that our self-esteem (or lack of it) directly affects the way we see the world. There’s an exercise to help you determine your world view. And assess whether it is generally positive or negative. She extends this into an exploration of family mottoes as messages from the past and part of our social conditioning.
There is an exercise to put your negativity into a box and a visualising exercise to create a positive vision. And to place the resulting joy and happiness into a treasure box. Then guidance to practice replacing negative beliefs and thoughts with positive ones. She then challenges our thoughts about scarcity and suggests instead we think about abundance (“There is plenty of everything to go around”). To create new thought patterns she suggests affirmations must be positive, in the present tense and possible.
An expansive world view supports our self-esteem and enables us to “make things happen” in our lives. She suggests that if we communicate our needs while remaining sensitive to the needs of others, it is highly likely that we will achieve our desired outcome.
The next section considers decision-making – which requires you to trust your own judgement. She offers the IDA formula (Intention – Decision – Action) for when you feel uncertain. Asking yourself “What do I want to happen?” and then “How do I make it happen?”. Noting “We communicate our self-esteem (or lack of it) to others by our words and actions”.
Changing your behaviour involves taking risks. And as you dare to risk changing, your self-esteem will rise. Where you are fearful of acting she suggests asking yourself “What’s the worst that can happen?”.
She then observes that when interacting with others we can choose to respond with creative behaviour (direct and honest) or victim behaviour (aggressive or submissive). She observes that victim behaviour is associated with an inability to say “No”. She suggests this is because the word is emotively linked with personal rejection and people fear what others may think of them. High self-esteem is linked to good communication skills. Assertiveness skills – getting what you want and saying “No” (kimtasso.com). She suggests some different ways to say “No”.
Listening is seen as a dying art. The Chinese symbol for the verb to listen includes symbols for ear, you, eyes, undivided attention and heart. So you listen to understand (not just to reply). Aggressive listening includes interrupting, fidgeting, critical intervention and threatening body language. She offers brief guidance on listening skills.
In a section on breaking the pattern, she notes that none of us like to be criticised. And our fear of criticism has its roots in our early childhood experiences. “Negative labels stick to us with very strong glue and critical labelling in adulthood often stirs up the feeling of invalidation that we felt during our early experiences of receiving criticism”. And she explores the use of constructive feedback instead The art of giving feedback – top tips (kimtasso.com). “As soon as we start to own our feelings instead of blaming others for them we are taking responsibility for ourselves and this increases our self-esteem”.
There are some final thoughts on how you respond to criticism – linking it to how you respond to your inner critic. And learning to allow yourself to make mistakes.
If you or someone you know might need counselling or psychotherapy, please see my web site for these services: Tasso Talking Therapy (which shows my telephone number) or email kim@tassotalkingtherapy.co.uk
Related posts
How can I improve my self-esteem? – Mind
What do you do when your boss is a micro-managing control freak? (kimtasso.com) March 2024
Questions on confidence at work (kimtasso.com) January 2024
Book review: How to do the work (recognise your patterns (kimtasso.com) December 2023
Dr Julie Smith (Mental Health Guidance) (kimtasso.com) July 2023 Book review of “Why has nobody told me this before?” by Dr Julie Smith (Mental Health Guidance) which covers: low mood, motivation, emotional pain, grief, self-doubt, self-esteem, anxiety, fear, stress and meaningful life
Boosting Your Confidence at Work – A Toolbox for Success (kimtasso.com) July 2023
Assertive communication: The importance of voice (kimtasso.com) May 2023
Overcoming clinical depression (2021) by Oliver Kamm (kimtasso.com) March 2023
Emotional Regulation – A key element of Emotional Intelligence (EQ) (kimtasso.com) August 2021
Dealing with “difficult” people – Nine strategies for dealing with arrogance (kimtasso.com) June 2021
Self-Motivation – Ten top tips (Video) from Kim Tasso January 2021
Soft skills – Boost your self-confidence and confidence (Video) (kimtasso.com) October 2020
Business relationships – Using the drama triangle to resolve conflict (kimtasso.com) September 2020
Lost connections – Why you’re depressed by Johann Hari (kimtasso.com) October 2019
Be more confident and convey confidence – top tips (kimtasso.com) June 2019
The art of giving feedback – top tips (kimtasso.com) June 2018
Assertiveness skills – getting what you want and saying “No” (kimtasso.com) March 2017
