Book review – Feel the fear and do it anyway by Susan Jeffers

June 6, 2025|Kim's Blog, Relationship Management|

This is a classic self-help book on dealing with anxiety and fear (I’ll be looking at some more recent ones soon). These reviews are resources produced as part of the psychoeducation service I provide to my therapy clients and others who are interested in counselling and coaching. Book review – Feel the fear and do it anyway by Susan Jeffers.

Feel the Fear and do it anyway – in a nutshell

Originally published in 1987, this international best-seller (over two million copies sold) helps you confront your fears and take control of your life.

The central message is that fear (or anxiety) is a natural part of life and growth. The author advocates that rather than waiting for it to disappear (which it won’t), we should move forward despite it. The author (whose warmth shines through on every page) suggests that the fear underlying all other fears is “I can’t handle it”. In essence, our fear is created by faulty thinking – we need to start thinking “I’ll handle it”. The book helps you build confidence, take responsibility, change your self-talk, overcome limiting beliefs and thus live more fully.

The book is about re-education – to think differently about fear and move from a place of pain to one of power. To overcome the negative inner voice often fuelled by low self-esteem. Jeffers helps you change the way you think about fear – so the book offers a way to reprogramme your thoughts (So there are hints towards Cognitive Based Therapy (CBT)).

It’s an empowering book to move you from victim mode to responsible mode (never blaming anyone else for anything you are being, doing, having or feeling). Yet it stresses that taking responsibility (at work, at home and in relationships) doesn’t mean blaming yourself.

The author’s writing is straight-talking, jargon-free, accessible and encouraging. And she includes lots of personal anecdotes, examples and stories to illustrate key points. The book illustrates how coaches and therapists can support clients who are experiencing anxiety. There are many related resources on building confidence and improving self-esteem listed below.

There are lots of simple, practical exercises (e.g. Pain-to-Power chart, move out of your comfort zone by taking a risk each day, using the no-lose model for decision-making, the Whole Life Grid). Some exercises echo popular coaching models – e.g. the Whole Life Grid looks a lot like the life shield model. The message being that if you have a balanced and rounded life, you have less to fear from the loss of just one component. For example:

Home

Leisure

Contribution

Family

Relationship

Friends

Work

Alone Time

Personal Growth

Whilst I’ve summarised some of the main ideas, I recommend that you read the book to obtain the full benefit of its ideas and exercises.

Susan Jeffers – “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway”

Main takeaways from “Feel the Fear and do it anyway”

People fear many things. Examples in the book include: public speaking, asserting yourself, making decisions, intimacy, changing jobs, being alone, ageing, driving and losing a loved one.

The ideas in the book help you: raise your self-esteem, become more assertive, deal with resistance from others when you start to change, experience more enjoyment and see yourself as having purpose and meaning in your life

Fear can be broken into three levels:
- Level 1 – Surface story: Those things that happen (e.g. ageing, being alone, loss of financial security, illness) and require action (e.g. changing career, making friends, asserting yourself)
- Level 2 – To do with inner states of mind (e.g. rejection, failure, disapproval, loss of image)
- Level 3 – Fear that you cannot handle whatever life may bring you
- If you knew you could handle anything that came your way, you would have nothing to fear – therefore you need to develop more trust in your ability to handle whatever comes your way

Truths about fear:
1. The fear will never go away, as long as I continue to grow
2. The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it
3. The only way to feel better about myself is to go out…and do it
4. Not only am I going to experience fear whenever I’m on unfamiliar territory, but so is everyone else
5. Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness

We can change our inner vocabulary – in effect, to reframe negative, limiting thoughts into empowering thoughts e.g.
- from “I can’t” to “I won’t”
- from “life’s a struggle” to “life’s an adventure”
- from obligation to choices
- from “I hope” (a victim’s phrase) to “I know” (more power)
- from “If only” to “next time”
- from “It’s terrible” to “It’s a learning experience”

You are in control (anger is the clue that you are not taking responsibility). Taking responsibility means:
- Never blaming anyone else
- Not blaming yourself
- Being aware of where and when you are NOT taking responsibility so that you can eventually change
- Handling the Chatterbox (inner voice)
- Being aware of payoffs that keep you stuck
- Figuring out what you want in life and acting on it
- Being aware of the multitude of choices you may have in any given situation

Before making a decision
- Focus immediately on the No-Lose model
- Do your homework
- Establish your priorities
- Trust your impulses
- Lighten up

After making a decision
- Throw away your picture
- Accept total responsibility for your decisions
- Don’t protect, correct

Give from a place of love, rather than from a place of expectation (I am an advocate of the concept of “Giver’s Gain”)
- Give away thanks
- Give away information
- Give away praise
- Give away time
- Give away money
- Give away love

To fill the inner void (some call this Transpersonal Psychology) connect with the Higher Self or your spirituality (there’s much more on this topic: Book Review: The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle). The author mentions the use of guided visualisations as advocated by founder of psychosynthesis Roberto Assagioli.

Key quotes from Feel the Fear and do it anyway”

The real issue has nothing to do with the fear itself, but rather how we hold the fear….For some, the fear is totally irrelevant (hold their fear from a position of power (choice, energy and action) and for others it creates a state of paralysis (hold their fear from a position of pain – helplessness, depression and paralysis)

Women have been conditioned to believe that to be powerful is unfeminine and unattractive. A self-assured woman who is in control of her life draws like a magnet. The truth is that love and power go together.

Are you a victim or are you taking responsibility for your life? The truth is you really are in control. If you know you can create your own misery, it stands to reason that you can also create your own joy

There is an automatic assumption that negative is realistic and positive is unrealistic. Upon inspection, this is madness. It is reported that over 90% of what we worry about never happens. Positive words make us physically strong, negative words make us physically weak. (there’s a guide to positive thinking)

It is amazingly empowering to have the support of a strong, motivated and inspirational group of people (I refer to this as surrounding yourself with radiators rather than drains)

Paradoxical intention is to encourage people to do the very thing that they fear

Believe that your mate wants what is best for you and that he or she will ultimately love the positive changes in you

As we strive for healthy assertiveness in life, we overshoot the mark in the beginning and swing from Passivity to Aggression many times before we settle into Healthy Assertiveness (Assertiveness toolbox – Kim Tasso)

The knowledge that you can handle anything that comes your way is the key to allowing yourself to take healthy, life-affirming risks (How to make a no-lose decision). You’re not a failure if you don’t make it; you’re a success because you try

Dependency in a relationship creates some very unattractive side effects – anger, jealousy, resentment, clinging, nagging – all very unpleasant to live with. These self-defeating qualities are the result of a dep-seated fear of losing that which we see as the basis for our entire identity

Participating 100% eliminates boredom

One of the most valuable lessons in learning to diminish fear is embodied in the phrase “Say Yes to your universe” (Janet Zuckerman). Saying Yes means getting up and acting on your belief that you can create meaning and purpose in whatever life hands you (There’s a similar concept in The Adaptive Third Change management and creativity – the adaptive third)

Acknowledgement of pain is very important; denial is deadly

If all your giving is about getting, think how fearful you will become. Genuine giving is not only altruistic, it also makes us feel better

Remember that being impatient is simply a way of punishing yourself. It creates stress, dissatisfaction and fear.

Feel the Fear and do it anyway – in a nutshell

Main takeaways from “Feel the Fear and do it anyway”

Key quotes from Feel the Fear and do it anyway”

Related links on anxiety, confidence, self-esteem and therapy

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Book review – Feel the fear and do it anyway by Susan Jeffers

Feel the Fear and do it anyway – in a nutshell

Main takeaways from “Feel the Fear and do it anyway”

Key quotes from Feel the Fear and do it anyway”

Related links on anxiety, confidence, self-esteem and therapy

Tags

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