“Adult children of emotionally immature parents

August 15, 2024|Kim's Blog, Relationship Management|

This 2015 New York Times bestselling book by a clinical psychologist will provide a profound light bulb moment for some people. The book really resonated with me. And I have seen the dramatic impact it had on some of my clients who came to therapy reporting anxiety, anger, depression and/or relationship problems. Many they believed they had experienced “good” childhoods – yet developed understanding, more positive feelings about themselves and improved their relationships with family, friends and partners as a result of reading it. Book review: “Adult children of emotionally immature parents – how to heal from distant, rejecting or self-involved parents” by Lindsay C Gibson PsyD

How “Adult children of emotionally immature parents” may help you

It’s common knowledge that our parents are partly responsible for the way we feel, think and behave as adults. Many people think that therapy is just about delving into our childhoods to explore the theories of Freud (it isn’t!). But you don’t have to have suffered abuse or trauma as a child to have emotional difficulties as an adult. Even if you had parents that accommodated all your physical needs (providing safety, food etc) they may have – through no fault of their own – failed to provide you with the emotional nourishment that you needed to develop into a healthy adult.

Children suffer emotional neglect if their parents lack the emotional responsiveness to meet their children’s emotional needs. Some of my therapy clients reported that they had “happy” childhoods. And so they didn’t understand their lack of self-esteem, emotional loneliness, tendency to be “people pleasers” or “rescuers” and the relationship difficulties they experienced as a result of their strong independence and/or lack of emotional intimacy. This book demonstrates that these things can be indicators of an emotionally-deprived childhood.

In therapy, one of the approaches to helping people heal from the damage caused by emotionally immature parents is through “reparenting”. This is where the therapist provides the attuned, supportive relationship that the client did not experience as a child – helping them to develop their sense of self and self-worth.

The book includes lots of short stories from people who had emotionally immature parents. The book helps you assess whether your parents and others around you are emotionally mature or not. It explores the various coping strategies we might adopt as children that we retain into adulthood. It also explains why we may be attracted to “bad” relationships. Indirectly, the book also provides helpful parenting advice if you wish to have a deeper understanding of how your behaviour might impact the emotional health of your children.

I have summarised the main ideas here but urge you to read the book for yourself.

Introduction

What happens when immature parents lack the emotional responsiveness necessary to meet their children’s emotional needs? What happens when children suffer from emotional neglect?

The author states that we must acknowledge that having emotionally distant parents is not a reflection of us and our worthiness of love. But a reflection that our parents did not have sufficient emotional maturity or time to provide us with the necessary responses to help us develop healthily.

1. How emotionally immature parents affect their adult children’s lives

“Emotional loneliness comes from not having enough emotional intimacy with other people”

Emotional loneliness (existential loneliness) and emptiness come from feeling unseen by others.

“Emotional intimacy involves knowing that you have someone you can tell anything to, someone to go to with all your feelings. And with whom you feel completely safe”.

Emotionally immature parents are so preoccupied that they don’t notice their children’s inner experience. Knowing the cause of your emotional loneliness is the first step towards finding more fulfilling relationships.

Emotionally deprived children may learn to put other people’s needs first as the price of admission to a relationship. And some take this further by taking on the role of helping others (you may be familiar with “people pleaser” and “rescuer” behaviours).

Lacking adequate parental support or connection, many emotionally deprived children perceive that the best solution is to grow up quickly and become self-sufficient.

The past repeats itself. As the result of a lack of emotional connection with parents, many people end up in similarly frustrating relationships in adulthood. Partly because the primitive parts of our brain tell us that safety lies in familiarity (see material on Bowlby’s attachment theory John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory (simplypsychology.org)).

Children who cannot engage with their parents emotionally often try to strengthen their connection by playing whatever roles they believe their parents want them to. As adults, they believe that if they want closeness, they must play a role that always puts the other person first.

Emotionally immature parents don’t know how to validate their child’s feelings and instincts. So their children are trained to discount their feelings and feel guilty about complaining if everything looks OK on the outside.

Some may lack self-confidence due to parental rejection. When parents reject or emotionally neglect their children, their children grow up to expect the same from others. They lack confidence that other people will be interested in them. So they may hang back instead of interacting – exasperating their sense of loneliness.

Even if these emotionally neglected children find success later in life, the lingering trauma of childhood loneliness may haunt them through anxiety, depression or bad dreams. Human evolution shows that being part of a group has always meant more safety and less stress. So we are “wired” to be social.

2. Recognising the emotionally immature parent

You should understand and have empathy with emotionally immature parents. Not blame them as their actions were unintentional – they were unaware of how their behaviour affects their children. There’s an exercise to help you assess your parents’ emotional maturity or immaturity.

“Emotional maturity means a person is capable of thinking objectively and conceptually while sustaining deep emotional connections to others”. Emotionally mature people:

Can function independently while having deep emotional attachments
Are direct about pursuing what they want yet do so without exploiting people
Differentiated from original family relationships to build a life of their own
Have a well-developed sense of self and identity
Have well-developed empathy, impulse control and emotional intelligence An introduction to emotional intelligence (EQ) and empathy (Video) (kimtasso.com)

Emotionally immature people (the author notes that this can be the result of “old school parenting” passed on down through generations with statements like “children should be seen and not heard”) may:

Be rigid or impulsive and single-minded (see fixed views and closed to new ideas (dealing with stubbornness) (kimtasso.com))
Have low stress tolerance – with coping mechanisms that deny, distort or replace reality
Do what feels best regardless of the consequences
Be subjective, not objective
Have little respect for differences – believing everyone should see things their way
Be egocentric – commanded by anxiety and insecurity like wounded people
Be self-preoccupied and self-involved (with fundamental doubts about their core worth as human beings)
Be self-referential (not self-reflecting) – and always turn whatever you say back to one of their own experiences
Like to be centre of attention
Promote role reversal (e.g. where parents relate to the child as if the child were the parent by discussing their marriage problems)
Have low empathy and be emotionally insensitive

Other signs of being emotionally shut down:

Often inconsistent and contradictory – which means they are unpredictable and can keep their children on edge
Develop strong defences (e.g. they fear and suppress certain feelings)
May be quick to become emotionally aroused and don’t experience mixed emotions
Focus on physical rather than emotional
Can be killjoys
Have a different quality of thought – such as difficulties with conceptual thinking and prone to literal thinking

3. How it feels to have a relationship with an emotionally immature parent

There’s another assessment – this time considering the childhood difficulties associated with having an emotionally immature parent. Key points of emotionally immature parents include:

Communication is difficult or impossible (children are shut down, shut up or shut out)
They provoke anger (anger and rage are adaptive reactions to feelings of abandonment – some children of emotionally immature parents repress their anger or turn it against themselves – so they criticise or blame themselves unrealistically)
Communicate by emotional contagion Emotional contagion, delegation, coaching and team meetings (kimtasso.com)
Don’t do the emotional work to understand how others might be feeling
Hard to give to (poor “receptive capacity”) – and expect others to read their minds
Resist repairing relationships (e.g. they don’t apologise, ask for forgiveness, make amends etc)
Demand mirroring
Their self-esteem rides on your compliance
They see roles as sacred (role entitlement and role coercion) rather than individuals
Seek enmeshment (seek identity and self-completion through an intense, dependent relationship – not emotional intimacy)
Play favourites
Inconsistent sense of time

4. Four types of emotionally immature parents

As a parent of grown kids, I read this chapter will some trepidation. Whilst I wanted to know if my parents fit the emotionally immature criteria, I also wondered whether I was an emotionally-immature parent.

The author says that all emotionally immature parents tend to be self-involved, narcissistic and emotionally unreliable with poor resonance with other people’s feelings. There’s an interesting comment that people with similar emotional maturity levels are attracted to one another (Bowen) – so it is likely that both parents will be emotionally immature. Attachment theory research suggests that maternal behaviour is measured on the following dimensions: sensitivity-insensitivity, acceptance-rejection, cooperation-interference and accessible-ignored.

Each type of emotionally immature parent is on a continuum – from mild to severe

The emotional parent – Overwhelmed with anxiety and unpredictable so instils feelings of instability and anxiety in their children. It is the most infantile of the four types. People may feel like they are walking on eggshells around them. Extreme versions are mentally ill with psychosis or bipolar disorders (formerly called manic-depressive illness). They see the world in black and white terms, keep score, hold grudges and control other with emotional tactics.

The driven parent – They appear normal but are compulsively goal-oriented, focus on getting things done and stay busy trying to perfect everything and everyone. They can be controlling and interfering in their children’s lives. They praise or push the behaviours that they want to see. These parents usually grew up in an emotionally deprived environment and are often proud of their independence.

The passive parent – They have a laissez-faire mindset and avoid dealing with anything upsetting. They acquiesce to dominant personalities. Easy going and playful, they are known to turn a blind eye to family situations that are harmful to their children – leaving kids to fend for themselves.

The rejecting parent – They seem to have a wall around them and don’t appear to want to spend time with their children. They issue commands, blow up or isolate themselves and can be withdrawn, dismissive and derogatory. They are the least empathic of the four types.

5. How different children react to emotionally immature parenting

Some children imagine “healing fantasies” about how their emotional needs will be fulfilled in the future. They have a hopeful story about what will make them happy one day – often creating unrealistic expectations for their adult relationships. They may think their emotional loneliness will be healed by a partner who always thinks of their needs first or a friend that never lets them down.

Some may cope by finding a special family role (e.g. “peacemaker”, “clown”, “mini-parent” or “naughty one”). Playing a role takes a lot of energy and is tiring. This divestment from their true selves can then sabotage their intimate relationships as an adult.

There are exercises to help identify your healing fantasy and role-self.

There are generally two styles of coping with emotionally immature parents although neither coping strategy works. The result is that the children start believing that the only way to be noticed is to become something other than who they really are.

Internalizers – These people are mentally active and love to learn things. They try to solve problems from the inside by being self-reflective and learning from mistakes. They believe they can make things better by trying harder – and instinctively take responsibility for solving problems on their own. Their biggest relationship downfall is being overly self-sacrificing and then becoming resentful of how much they do for others. Internalizers can become exhausted from trying to do too much of the emotional work in their relationships.

Externalizers – Take action before they think about things. They are reactive and impulsive and tend to assign blame to other people. They believe things need to change in the outside world in order for them to be happy. They depend on external soothing which makes them susceptible to substance abuse. They create a viscous cycle of self-defeat that elicits punishment and rejection and are then vulnerable to brief feelings of shame and failure. They seek solutions outside themselves. They can become abusive siblings.

Emotionally immature parents often placate or rescue externalising children. Externalizers are also prone to wrongly accuse others of abuse – presenting themselves as the wronged victim who needs special attention.

There is an exercise to identify your coping style.

6. What it’s like to be an internalizer

Internalizers are highly sensitive and perceptive – noticing when their parents aren’t truly connecting with them. They have strong emotions and are often seen as overly sensitive or too emotional.

They have a deep need for connection and to share their inner experience with a like-minded person who can understand them. But they believe that the price of making a connection is to put other people first and treat them as more important. They need to see their desire for emotional engagement as a positive thing, rather than interpreting it to mean they’re too needy or dependent.

They often find potential sources of emotional connection outside the family. Or in spirituality.

Stephen Porges suggested that mammals have evolved a unique coping instinct in which they are calmed by proximity or engagement with others. Research into people who live through nearly impossible circumstances shows they invariably call upon their present relations and memories of loved ones as sources of inspiration and determination to survive.

Internalizers are apologetic about needing help. They may apologise when they start crying in a therapist’s office. They may appear to need less attention and nurturance – they become invisible and easy to neglect. They hate to feel like a bother. The feel they should do everything on their own. And feel an almost over-the-top gratitude for any kind of recognition or special affection.

They often aren’t aware they were neglected in childhood but may begin to recognise that they didn’t feel properly watched over as children. They may develop a rejecting attitude towards their own feelings.

Internalizers are overally independent. They may not learn to ask for help later in life when its readily available. They don’t see abuse for what it is. They do most of the emotional work in relationships. This may make them overly responsible such as caring for younger siblings. They may adopt a compensatory cheerfulness and will do the emotional work for their parents.

They overwork in adult relationships. They make up for other peoples’ lack of engagement by seeing them as nicer and more considerate than they really are. Because of this they may attract needy people – like externalizers.

People may seek them out as they are good at listening. They might believe that self-neglect is a sign of being a good person and will bring them love. They may take on the role of rescuer (see more about rescuers, victims and persecutors here Business relationships – Using the drama triangle to resolve conflict (kimtasso.com)).

7. Breaking down and awakening

This chapter describes what it’s like for people to wake from an ill-fitting role they’ve been playing for too long. It often starts with a sense of failure or loss of control with symptoms like depression, anxiety, chronic tension or insomnia.

There is an exploration of “the true self”, from ancient idea of the soul to the genuine inner self. The author notes that when we are in accord with our true selves we see things clearly and feel that were in a state of flow. The true self wants to grow, be known and express itself.

Children of emotionally immature parents may be criticised or shamed when they express their feelings and learn to be embarrassed by their true desires. (There’s an exercise to explore your true self with your role-self).

Developmental psychologist Jean Piaget observed that in order for people to learn anything new, their old mental pattern must break up and rework itself around the new, incoming knowledge. Polish psychiatrist Kazimierz Dabrowski theorised that emotional distress is potentially a sign of growth (“positive integration”).

People often keep playing their childhood role-self into adulthood because they believe it keeps them safe and is the only way to be accepted. There’s a story here of someone who suddenly started having panic attacks and found social events exhausting. And another of a woman who suffered depression until she accepted her genuine feelings of dislike to her mother.

It’s interesting that the author comments “It’s often a good sign when overly responsive, anxious or depressed people begin to be consciously aware of feeling angry”.

Internalizers have to learn to take care of themselves. And often fail to acknowledge their body’s messages to take rest etc. Relationship problems are another opportunity to wake up as “we often project issues about our parents onto our partners”.

The hardest fantasy to wake up from is the belief that our parents are wiser and know more than we do. Children of emotionally immature parents often feel embarrassed to think of themselves in terms of their most positive qualities. There’s an explanation of narrative therapy here – the idea that people need to become conscious of the meaning and intentions of the storylines they’ve been living by.

Research suggests that what has happened to people matters less than whether they’ve processed what happened to them.

8. How to avoid getting hooked by an emotionally immature parent

The material on gaining emotional freedom from emotionally immature parents explores the cultural beliefs that guide how we see our parents. It explores the fantasy we have as children that a parent will change. There is guidance on how to change your expectations and replace reactivity with observation.

Murray Bown of family systems theory describes how emotionally immature parents promote emotional enmeshment over individual identity. I liked the tip that if you feel yourself becoming emotional you say to yourself: “Detach, Detach, Detach”.

The advice is to focus on relatedness where there’s communication but no goal of having a satisfying emotional exchange. In a real relationship you are open and establish emotional reciprocity.

The Maturity Awareness approach means being observational and freeing yourself from painful relationships by taking the emotional maturity of others into account. There’s advice for when you find yourself talking to an emotionally immature person:

Express and let go
Focus on the outcome, not the relationship
Managing, not engaging

“You can respect your parents for everything they’ve given you, but you don’t have to pretend they have no human frailties”.

The ultimate goal in any interaction with a parent or emotionally immature person is to keep a grip on your own mind and feelings. Try to relate to your parent in a neutral way, rather than trying to have a relationship.

9. How it feels to live free of roles and fantasies

It explores the family dynamics that keep people trapped in old roles:

Discouragement of individuality
Denial of individual needs and preferences
Adhering to an internalised parental voice (see also: the parent, adult, child (PAC) model helps with difficult interactions (kimtasso.com))

Once freed from roles and fantasies created in childhood from emotionally immature parents you are free to:

Be human and imperfect
Have your genuine thought and feelings
Suspend contact
Set limits and choose how much to give
Have self-compassion
Not have excessive empathy
Take action on your own behalf
Express yourself
Approach old relationships in new ways
Not want anything from your parent

10. How to identify emotionally mature people

In the lure of old patterns, there’s the observation that some women who grew up with emotionally immature parents find they are attracted to similarly egocentric, self-centred or exploitative people. They may find considerate and emotionally mature people boring. They confuse the excitement of being with immature partners with the anxiety they felt as children. Schema therapy (Jeffrey Young) suggests that the people we find more charismatic are subconsciously triggering us to fall back into old, negative family patterns.

Helpful advice on how to recognise an emotionally mature person:

Realistic and reliable
Work with reality rather than fighting it
Can feel and think at the same time
Consistency makes them reliable
They don’t take everything personally
Respectful (especially of your boundaries) and reciprocal
Flexible and compromise well
Even tempered
Willing to be influenced
Truthful
They apologise and make amends
Responsive
Make you feel seen and understood
Like to comfort and be comforted
Reflect on their actions and try to change
Can laugh and be playful
Enjoyable to be around

There’s also guidance for what to look for when meeting people online. And an exercise to assess others’ emotional maturity. And a further exercise to help you develop new relationship habits including:

Being willing to ask for help
Being yourself whether people accept you or not
Appreciating and sustaining emotional connections
Having reasonable expectations of yourself
Communicating clearly and actively seeking the outcomes you want

Please look at my therapy site if you require further information about counselling and psychotherapy services Tasso Talking Therapy: