This article was prompted by a recent MBL workshop on “Boosting your confidence at work” with over 20 delegates from law practices, financial services as well as accountancy, surveying and consultancy firms. During our discussion on presence and visibility in the workplace, a delegate asked what they could do when they found it hard to speak up in meetings. Confidence – How to get a word in when people keep talking (meeting skills).
Prepare yourself and rehearse
The first idea was to prepare yourself before meetings. Both rationally, for example, with advance research and planning. And emotionally by adopting the right mindset.
Review the agenda and read the papers. If possible, speak in advance to people who are also attending. Consider the topics that are of most interest to you – and what you might want to say or contribute in advance. You might also rehearse what you want to say – so that it sounds more natural and fluid when you get the chance to speak up.
Introduce yourself or speak early in the meeting
The longer you sit in silence, the harder it will be to speak.
So consider arriving early. Introduce yourself or talk informally to anyone else who does the same. There’s usually some “settling in” time while everyone arrives at an in person meeting or while people join an online meeting – so use this time to chat to other people and demonstrate that you are happy to engage.
Be aware of cultural differences
Conversations in meetings vary depending on the culture of the people participating.
In Britain, we value turn taking. Usually only one person speaks at a time. British people consider it polite to wait until the other person finishes speaking before making their our contribution.
But not all cultures are the same. For example, in Spain – which is one of the more expressive cultures – it is common for people to speak at the same time and at a high volume (see Communication In Spain – crossculture2go). If we interpret this behaviour from a British cultural perspective we might perceive this as rude. Yet for Spanish people it is a completely natural and “normal” way to behave. So be aware of cultural differences and don’t fall in the trap of interpreting other people’s behaviour from your own cultural perspective.
This site is helpful in understanding cultural differences – and allows you to compare different countries Country comparison tool (hofstede-insights.com). This might help with your preparation before meetings.
How can I improve my cross cultural communication (kimtasso.com)
Cross cultural communication – Kim Tasso
Consider that people might be protecting you
You may feel that when people do not give you space to speak, that they are overlooking you or do not value your perspective.
But it may be that they do not want to put you in the spotlight (or the firing line). And that they feel you might be more comfortable just observing or listening to others speaking. So check out other people’s expectations of your role at a meeting – they may have invited you as an observer or to lead discussion on a particular topic or campaign.
If you think there is a mismatch between what they think and what you expect, it might be worth speaking to them before future meetings to indicate that there are occasions when you would welcome the opportunity to contribute. You might even work on a “safe” way (for you both) to do this.
Use Non-Verbal Communication (NVC)
You can use NVC to catch the attention of the person speaking to signal that you would like to speak.
For example, we can “catch the eye” of the person speaking to show that we would like to speak next. We can adopt a posture to show we’re keen to speak (e.g. sit forward). Or we can gesture (e.g. raise a hand).
But again, there are cultural differences in NVC – so familiarise yourself if you are in an international meeting.
Non-Verbal Communication (NVC) – the basics (Video) (kimtasso.com)
Ask a colleague or manager to help you
If a colleague or manager is also attending a meeting, let them know in advance that you would like to be able to contribute.
They can observe your non-verbal behaviour and facilitate an opportunity for you to speak at the appropriate time.
Reinforcements: How to get people to help you by Heidi Grant (kimtasso.com)
Harness digital communication tools
If your meeting is digital (using Teams or Zoom or similar) there are some tools to help you.
Keep your video camera on so that people can see you are actively participating. People tend to overlook those who have a blank screen.
Most systems have a “hands up” emoji showing that you wish to say something. Or you can type a comment into the Chat box to indicate you’d like to make a point. On some systems you can type a private message to just one person.
Alternatively, if people have other channels of communication open during a meeting (e.g. their Chat or Slack channels – or their mobile phone), you could attempt to send a message that you would like to raise a point in the meeting. However, most people will turn off other channels of communication so that they can fully concentrate on what is happening in the meeting.
Building rapport in the digital space (kimtasso.com)
Book review: Digital Body Language – How to build trust by Erica Dhawan (kimtasso.com)
Watch for when others appear to be wrapping up
Pay attention when other people are speaking. Remain alert to when they appear to be wrapping up. So then you are ready to start speaking and make your point when they finish.
At the session, we saw the evidence that increasing your volume when you speak makes you both feel more confident and appear more confident to others.
Be assertive
Just sitting in the meeting feeling unheard isn’t a good strategy. That’s too passive. And you may start to feel negative emotions – that only stress you out more. And this may then reflect in your non-verbal communication so others are even less likely to invite you to speak.
And you don’t want to be passive-aggressive either (for example, frowning and hunching your shoulders with your arms firmly crossed in front of you).
You need to be assertive. You have a right to speak and contribute your views. So ask calmly for an opportunity to contribute your views.
Assertiveness skills – getting what you want and saying “No” (kimtasso.com)
Assertive communication: The importance of voice (kimtasso.com)
Ask the chair to help
A good chair, facilitator or host will ensure that everyone has the opportunity to make a contribution or ask a question.
Ahead of the meeting, alert whoever is preparing the agenda or chairing or hosting that you would like the opportunity to contribute.
Some organisations “rotate” the role of chair so different people have a chance to facilitate discussions. If this is the case, you might wait for someone who you know well or who is skilled at allowing everyone to speak and contribute.
How to facilitate groups – Guidance for those organising and facilitating (kimtasso.com)
How to facilitate groups – 2 (Herding cats in professional services) (kimtasso.com)
Remember bias (and discrimination)
In the session, we talked about unconscious bias – ways that our brains make unconscious decisions or jump to conclusions. We explored in particular “spotlight bias” and “pessimism bias”.
People may not be aware of the biases they have – and concentrate on giving those they perceive as perhaps older and wiser more opportunities to speak than their younger or newer colleagues.
There’s more about cognitive biases here: Book review: Nudge: Improving decisions about health, wealth (kimtasso.com)
Of course, some people may – consciously or unconsciously – discriminate against certain people. Discrimination is illegal and should be reported to human resources team. However, subtle discrimination may be hard to detect.
What do you do when a male colleague doesn’t like women? (gender bias) (kimtasso.com)
What do you do when your boss is a micro-managing control freak? (kimtasso.com)
Learn about your organisational culture
The organisational culture is the context for how people behave in meetings. The culture will depend on the values and typical behaviour of those in the organisation. For example, in very hierarchical organisations it may be “usual” behaviour that only the most senior people speak at meetings. In more modern and egalitarian cultures, there is more encouragement to engage everyone.
So depersonalise how you react to not getting a chance to speak up at meetings. It isn’t about you! It’s just the way things are in your organisation. Although hopefully, the culture will change in the future (it can take a long time for old habits to die!) so that there is more open communication with more people contributing.
Interrupt?
This is a tricky issue. And culture comes into play. Typically, British people don’t interrupt. But sometimes you may have to.
I address what to do if someone interrupts you in my book Better Business Relationships book by Kim Tasso (Bloomsbury)
Interrupting someone or stopping them from speaking is annoying. It can even undermine their confidence and self-esteem, make them withdraw and may even break a business relationship if it happens frequently.
There’s a gender difference too – studies have shown that it’s primarily men interrupting women. A study by Deborah Tannen at George Washington University found that when men were talking to women they interrupted 33% more often than when they were talking with other men. Men seem to back off less often when they are interrupted too. Another study showed that both men and women interrupted women more when they were talking.
Tannen says that we learn conversational styles when we are children. ‘High involvement’ describes people who talk along to show enthusiasm whereas ‘high considerate’ describes people who believe only one voice can speak at a time. So there can be clashes of conversational style that compound any cultural differences. There are suggestions that you can use non-verbal communication to avoid being interrupted – for example, lean in, look focused and maintain eye contact.
It has been suggested that you should analyse the different types of interruptions before adopting a strategy to deal with it:
- Power play – The interrupter wants to throw the person off their game by making them flustered and defensive. Saying ‘Did you have something to add’ is a better response than ‘May I finish?’, which confirms the power shift.
- Co-operative interjection – Although it’s not intended to shut people down – and often comes from an ally – it can have a negative effect over time. This might require a private word with someone to say that you’d like to be heard more. Tannen suggests that in a high-functioning team in the workplace you should hear three nano-seconds of silence between each person speaking as evidence that there is enough listening.
- Uncontrolled outburst – This suggests that the interrupter is lacking self-control, so you should remain calm and turn your attention to the interrupter. Say that it seems to have evoked a strong response and encourage them to continue.
- Efficiency intervention – The interrupter keeps finishing your sentences and you feel hurried. Sometimes this happens when people are speaking too much or too slowly. Also avoid using disclaimers before you speak.
Some general guidelines on dealing with “difficult” conversations Soft skills – Dealing with difficult conversations (kimtasso.com) and Resources to help you deal with difficult interactions (kimtasso.com)
Manage conversation “dominators”
There’s a great article by Amy Castro How to Get a Word In Edgewise With Conversation Dominators (amycastro.com). Her advice includes:
- Let the Conversation Dominator know you (or others) need some of the spotlight
- Stand up for yourself when a Conversation Dominator interrupts you
- Become a Conversation Dominator yourself
- Disengage from the conversation
Send a note after the meeting
If you fail to get a chance to speak up at the meeting, consider sending a short note afterwards.
But keep it positive. And build on others’ ideas. For example “The discussion at the meeting was really good. Reflecting on what was said, I’d like to add…”. Then perhaps at future meetings you will be invited to comment.
Other helpful articles:
Having Difficulty Getting a Word in Edgewise? – Big Think
11 Ways to Get a Word in Edgewise | Inc.com
How to Overcome Your Fear of Speaking Up in Meetings (hbr.org)
What’s your favourite tip to get more opportunities to speak at meetings? How do you get a word in when people keep talking?
Delegate views
During the session the delegates commented, asked questions and answered polls. This summary of acts as a supplement to the course learning resources.
Delegate aims
Reasons why delegates joined the session:
- Appear confident to others in my challenging role
- Be more confident when talking to senior partners
- Feel less daunted when speaking to leaders of client organisations
- Look and sound more confident
- Feel more comfortable in meetings
- Overcome my nervousness
- Contribute more to discussions
Delegate views of confident behaviour:
- Self-belief and be sure of yourself
- Maintain eye contact
- Adopt an open and relaxed stance
- Smile – convey an aura of positive energy
- Be clear and concise when speaking
- Fluid and well-paced speaking
- Not speaking too quickly
- Be willing to listen
- Communicate at the right level for the audience
- Use the right tone of voice
- Show evidence of subject knowledge and expertise
- Volunteer to speak in front of people you don’t know
- Know that everyone makes mistakes, but they are learning opportunities
What happens when we don’t feel confident (for example, if the threat response – fight, flight, freeze, fawn – occurs)
- Heart races
- Breathing quickens
- Sweaty and shaky hands
- Dry mouth
- Eyes and head down
- Shaky and quiet voice
- Take less space
- Inability to think on your feet
- Anxious, stressed and worried thoughts
One delegate shared a great story “I remember asking our training director if the managing director ever gets nervous before the presentation he gives to the entire business every six months. He said he is always nervous. I said that he doesn’t seem to be. He responded with “Yes, but it turns to excitement because the feeling is the same, it is just your mind set”.
Delegate takeaways
What delegates found most useful at the session
Self-development
- Think about my feelings and not focus on how others may see me
- Focus on and list your strengths and achievements
- Seek feedback on strengths and style
- Work on your self-esteem to build your self-confidence
- Follow advice on positive self-talk to build self-esteem
- Understand that my difficult childhood may have damaged my self-esteem
- Spend more time with radiators (rather than drains)
Think different
- Believe in myself – focus on my strengths and achievements to reduce Imposter Syndrome
- Remember that people are not thinking badly of you
- Be aware of spotlight and pessimism biases
- Reframe a fear of failure into an opportunity to learn and do better
- Reframe negative to positive thoughts
- Be self-compassionate – it’s OK to take time out to rest and recuperate
- Practice makes perfect
- Avoid overthinking potential negative outcomes
- Turn negative thoughts into positive affirmations
- Pause when speaking – instead of using “umms” and “aahs”
- Be alert to cognitive distortions
Behave different
- Prepare for meetings
- Be conscious of how my appearance affects perceptions
- Be more visible
- Maintain eye contact
- Consider how we communicate not just what we say
- Manage my tone of voice generally
- Take breaks when talking
- Set and maintain boundaries
- Use assertiveness techniques
- Adopt different coping mechanisms
- Observe and manage “honest signals” (non-verbal behaviour)
- Remember how to appear more confident in-person and digitally
Delegate poll results
Confidence levels
| At the start of session? | How would you like to feel at work? | At the end of the session? | |
| 1 | |||
| 2 | 20% | ||
| 3 | |||
| 4 | 20% | ||
| 5 | 20% | 13% | |
| 6 | 33% | 33% | |
| 7 | 7% | 27% | |
| 8 | 27% | 27% | |
| 9 | 40% | ||
| 10 | 33% |
How often do you experience Imposter Syndrome?
- 0% Never
- 21% Occasionally
- 50% Often
- 29% All the time
Which is the situation where you most lack confidence?
- 8% Day-to-day role within the team
- 0% Learning new things
- 54% Presentations/public speaking
- 0% Telephone calls
- 8% Actual or virtual meetings
- 0% Social/conversations
- 31% Conflict situations
Do you avoid things that make you feel nervous?
- 92% Sometimes
- 8% Always
Are you mostly:
- 14% An optimist
- 86% A pessimist
How resilient do you think you are? Improve your resilience – tools to help you cope in difficult times (kimtasso.com)
- 0% Very low
- 25% Low
- 33% Average
- 17% High
- 25% Very high
What impact do you think clothes have on how confident you appear? (1=low, 10=high)
- 8 31%
- 9 54%
- 10 15%
Where does most of your personal power come from? How do you make a personal impact – Make a difference (kimtasso.com)
- 86% Presence
- 0% Authority
- 14% Impact
Do you think you are: Assertiveness skills – getting what you want and saying “No” (kimtasso.com)
- 0% Assertive
- 100% Passive
- 0% Passive-Aggressive
- 0% Aggressive
I think my boundaries are:
- 86% Porous
- 14% Healthy
- 0% Rigid
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