Meaningful Mentoring with Andy Lopata

October 16, 2024|Kim's Blog, Management Skills, Relationship Management|

It was exciting to be part of the first “Meaningful Mentoring” experiential training workshop by Andy Lopata for the Managing Partners’ Forum and PM Forum. I recommend you read Andy’s book A complete guide to effective mentoring (kimtasso.com) which provides a deeper dive into the concepts. This post is primarily for the delegates and summarises the key points discussed – Meaningful Mentoring with Andy Lopata.

Overview of the Meaningful Mentoring session

Andy covered three topics:

You as a mentor (How to make an impact)
You as a mentee (How to benefit from mentoring)
Putting a mentoring programme together (How to scale up mentoring across an organisation)

These were explored from personal, professional and organizational perspectives. Andy mentioned that his book is weighted towards mentors.

Reflections on our mentors

The session started with a reflection exercise to encourage delegates to consider who had made an impact on their careers and how and why.

Most remembered one or two key messages from mentors which had served them well over the years. Nearly everyone commented that they felt more confident after being mentored.

Andy shared stories of things that impacted him – for example: “It is what it is”. One delegate reported that they could still hear the voice of their mentor in their heads repeating key words of advice.

This led to a discussion about the qualities that we would like to develop as mentors: trusted, supportive, non-judgemental, direct, approachable, encouraging, adaptable, respected and providing honest feedback sensitively.

I liked Andy’s comment about the “Thank you” cards he had received as a mentor. It reminded me of one of my favourite psychologist’s quotes: “The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated” (William James).

Differences between coaching and mentoring

Andy acknowledged that mentors often draw on coaching principles. Book Review: The Coaching Manual by Julie Starr – Kim Tasso

However, a key difference is that mentors provide more guidance and share personal experiences. Whereas coaches (who are usually formally trained to support technical roles) will encourage people to find their own answers. I liked the image of a dog with big ears to signify the required questioning and listening skills of coaches.

There were also discussions about the role of advocates, sponsors (“mercenary mentors”) and role models.

Benefits of mentoring

This was a lively discussion covering:

Benefits for the firm: more engaged employees, a sense of belonging, loyalty, enhanced performance, psychological contract, psychological safety, collaboration, openness, authentic people, low attrition, high retention and trusted connections.

Benefits for the mentor: rewarding, affirmative of own experience, opportunity to give back, overcome Imposter Syndrome, boost self-worth, learning from mentees, obtain different perspectives, develop own skills and challenged to work in a different way.

Benefits for the mentee: accelerate learning, avoid common mistakes and pitfalls, a source of advice, different perspectives, longevity, practical advice rather than theory, tailored response to individual circumstances, embeds training, sounding board, source of feedback, extra confidence, know others believe in you and job satisfaction.

Andy shared evidence and statistics from his book but mentioned that some figures should be treated with care as often mentoring programmes are only available to those on the talent fast track.

I had noticed a post on LinkedIn that drew attention to loneliness in the workplace. As a mental health practitioner, I am keen to remind everyone of the value of mentoring in this regard.

We should also be alert to the damage that can be caused by toxic cultures. This book looks in depth at potentially damaging cultures within (US) law firms: Book review: The Thriving Lawyer by Traci Cipriano (resilience) (kimtasso.com)

Mentoring relationships

Different types of mentoring relationships were explored. From traditional hierarchical mentoring with a more senior and experienced person. To specific technical mentoring.

There was a debate about whether a line manager can or should be a mentor. Andy’s view was that in general your line manager should not be your mentor due to the potential conflict of interest. But in some cases, they can provide mentoring support.

Reverse and reciprocal mentoring were explored – highlighting the value of promoting cross-generational communication. Andy shared stories of the value of participation in peer-based mastermind groups. And how his daily practice is to always check in with a trusted mentor as a sounding board and sense check. There were also examples of how important it is for mentors to reveal their vulnerabilities and self-doubts.

Ingredients of effective mentoring relationships

Further break out discussions explored the ingredients of effective mentoring relationships. Of particular note were comments about: trust and approachability, parity of expectations, clarity of objectives, chemistry and cultural fit, engagement, ground rules (e.g. confidentiality) and preserved time.

Andy also commented on the need for cognitive diversity and accommodating neurodiversity.

At this point, Andy talked through the excellent ICE CREAM model. I liked that he talked about mentoring supervisors and how his own asks him to score (out of 10) the extent to which he: feels energy, wants to be challenged and how much support he needs.

Manage the mentor’s ego

Andy sensitively explored how a mentor keeps his or her ego in check. Particularly by not “outdoing” their mentees’ stories. I always remember the advice to “Check your ego at the door”. I enjoyed Andy’s description of benign envy and malicious envy.

He also reminded us that the mentor is there to guide rather than direct. And he demonstrated this with a few stories about how sometimes his mentees declined to take his advice.

Andy talked about the value of curiosity within a mentor. He mentioned his article on the curiosity cycle The Curiosity Cycle: Developing Trust and Engagement | Psychology Today. He stressed the need for mentors to listen actively to their mentees. There are some resources on curiosity and listening that I really value:

I liked too his ideas about creating an “exit ramp” where mentoring relationships can be closed appropriately.

Being a mentee

There was general agreement that mentoring should be available and relevant for everyone.

But there was an insightful discussion about what the firm and mentees needed to gain in order for mentoring to be valued.

Mentees feeling valued and growing in confidence was a key point of discussion. The ability to apply wider learning to mentees’ own roles and to embed that learning in the firm’s environment were also noted.

We compared different mentoring scenarios – from those who have been recently promoted to those who are between roles. There is usually an expectation of acquiring knowledge, skills, improved performance and development opportunities. Mentees may have either short term or long-term development perspectives.

Michael Hyatt’s quote: “Discomfort is a catalyst for growth. It makes us yearn for something more. It forces us to change, stretch, and adapt” seemed apt.

Measuring mentoring effectiveness

Naturally, we debated how to measure the impact of mentoring (hint: focus on the objectives of the organisation and the individual mentees).

Andy candidly explored some mentoring challenges. He offered guidance on how to avoid failure. Many of these ideas returned to the principles about: clarity of objectives, focusing on the mentee’s needs and protecting time and other boundaries.

Andy offered a framework to help mentors succeed: Create – Review – Refresh – Measure. And shared a checklist to help mentors and mentees prepare before, during and after mentoring meetings.

Delegates debated ideas to ensure a healthy mentoring culture including: strategy, internal engagement, embedding in team processes, managing expectations, matching processes, celebrating successes and role modelling.

His final points were his views about why mentoring programmes fail – not aspirational enough, not supported and not enabled or accessible.

Delegates were reminded that they can access a free mentor match service to become a mentor or mentee (or both). Mentor Match | Managing Partners’ Forum (mpfglobal.com)

About Andy Lopata

Andy Lopata is an experienced international speaker and podcast host and mentoring is the topic of his sixth book. He also writes for Psychology Today. He has held leadership positions in speaking, learning and mentoring associations.

Andy Lopata | LinkedIn His web site: Homepage – Andy Lopata

I reviewed Andy’s book on relationships at the end of 2023 Connected leadership – How professional relationships (kimtasso.com). Andy presented at the 2023 PM Forum conference on mentoring 28th PM Forum Conference: Organisational culture, mentoring (kimtasso.com).

Andy has already agreed to present the session again in 2025: Meaningful Mentoring – PM Forum. His session is part of the Coaching Skills Academy | Managing Partners’ Forum (mpfglobal.com) which is a joint venture between the Managing Partners’ Forum | (mpfglobal.com) and Home – PM Forum.

About the mentoring delegates

The delegates represented law, accountancy and risk consulting firms in roles as varied as marketing and business development, learning and development, leadership development and recruitment.

Most had some experience of being a mentor or mentee but not within a formal programme. Some delegates had responsibility for establishing a mentoring programme at their firms. Others were embarking on mentoring schemes for new graduates and some were focused on mentoring team members.

Delegates completed a mentoring assessment in advance of the session.

Thanks to Morag and Neha for being technical hosts at the session.