It was exciting to be part of the first “Meaningful Mentoring” experiential training workshop by Andy Lopata for the Managing Partners’ Forum and PM Forum. I recommend you read Andy’s book A complete guide to effective mentoring (kimtasso.com) which provides a deeper dive into the concepts. This post is primarily for the delegates and summarises the key points discussed – Meaningful Mentoring with Andy Lopata.
Overview of the Meaningful Mentoring session
Andy covered three topics:
- You as a mentor (How to make an impact)
- You as a mentee (How to benefit from mentoring)
- Putting a mentoring programme together (How to scale up mentoring across an organisation)
These were explored from personal, professional and organizational perspectives. Andy mentioned that his book is weighted towards mentors.
Reflections on our mentors
The session started with a reflection exercise to encourage delegates to consider who had made an impact on their careers and how and why.
Most remembered one or two key messages from mentors which had served them well over the years. Nearly everyone commented that they felt more confident after being mentored.
Andy shared stories of things that impacted him – for example: “It is what it is”. One delegate reported that they could still hear the voice of their mentor in their heads repeating key words of advice.
This led to a discussion about the qualities that we would like to develop as mentors: trusted, supportive, non-judgemental, direct, approachable, encouraging, adaptable, respected and providing honest feedback sensitively.
I liked Andy’s comment about the “Thank you” cards he had received as a mentor. It reminded me of one of my favourite psychologist’s quotes: “The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated” (William James).
Differences between coaching and mentoring
Andy acknowledged that mentors often draw on coaching principles. Book Review: The Coaching Manual by Julie Starr – Kim Tasso
However, a key difference is that mentors provide more guidance and share personal experiences. Whereas coaches (who are usually formally trained to support technical roles) will encourage people to find their own answers. I liked the image of a dog with big ears to signify the required questioning and listening skills of coaches.
There were also discussions about the role of advocates, sponsors (“mercenary mentors”) and role models.
Benefits of mentoring
This was a lively discussion covering:
Benefits for the firm: more engaged employees, a sense of belonging, loyalty, enhanced performance, psychological contract, psychological safety, collaboration, openness, authentic people, low attrition, high retention and trusted connections.
Benefits for the mentor: rewarding, affirmative of own experience, opportunity to give back, overcome Imposter Syndrome, boost self-worth, learning from mentees, obtain different perspectives, develop own skills and challenged to work in a different way.
Benefits for the mentee: accelerate learning, avoid common mistakes and pitfalls, a source of advice, different perspectives, longevity, practical advice rather than theory, tailored response to individual circumstances, embeds training, sounding board, source of feedback, extra confidence, know others believe in you and job satisfaction.
Andy shared evidence and statistics from his book but mentioned that some figures should be treated with care as often mentoring programmes are only available to those on the talent fast track.
I had noticed a post on LinkedIn that drew attention to loneliness in the workplace. As a mental health practitioner, I am keen to remind everyone of the value of mentoring in this regard.
We should also be alert to the damage that can be caused by toxic cultures. This book looks in depth at potentially damaging cultures within (US) law firms: Book review: The Thriving Lawyer by Traci Cipriano (resilience) (kimtasso.com)
Mentoring relationships
Different types of mentoring relationships were explored. From traditional hierarchical mentoring with a more senior and experienced person. To specific technical mentoring.
There was a debate about whether a line manager can or should be a mentor. Andy’s view was that in general your line manager should not be your mentor due to the potential conflict of interest. But in some cases, they can provide mentoring support.
Reverse and reciprocal mentoring were explored – highlighting the value of promoting cross-generational communication. Andy shared stories of the value of participation in peer-based mastermind groups. And how his daily practice is to always check in with a trusted mentor as a sounding board and sense check. There were also examples of how important it is for mentors to reveal their vulnerabilities and self-doubts.
Ingredients of effective mentoring relationships
Further break out discussions explored the ingredients of effective mentoring relationships. Of particular note were comments about: trust and approachability, parity of expectations, clarity of objectives, chemistry and cultural fit, engagement, ground rules (e.g. confidentiality) and preserved time.
Andy also commented on the need for cognitive diversity and accommodating neurodiversity.
At this point, Andy talked through the excellent ICE CREAM model. I liked that he talked about mentoring supervisors and how his own asks him to score (out of 10) the extent to which he: feels energy, wants to be challenged and how much support he needs.
Manage the mentor’s ego
Andy sensitively explored how a mentor keeps his or her ego in check. Particularly by not “outdoing” their mentees’ stories. I always remember the advice to “Check your ego at the door”. I enjoyed Andy’s description of benign envy and malicious envy.
He also reminded us that the mentor is there to guide rather than direct. And he demonstrated this with a few stories about how sometimes his mentees declined to take his advice.
Andy talked about the value of curiosity within a mentor. He mentioned his article on the curiosity cycle The Curiosity Cycle: Developing Trust and Engagement | Psychology Today. He stressed the need for mentors to listen actively to their mentees. There are some resources on curiosity and listening that I really value:
- The Human Edge – How curiosity and creativity are your superpowers (kimtasso.com)
- You’re not listening – What you’re missing (kimtasso.com)
I liked too his ideas about creating an “exit ramp” where mentoring relationships can be closed appropriately.
Being a mentee
There was general agreement that mentoring should be available and relevant for everyone.
But there was an insightful discussion about what the firm and mentees needed to gain in order for mentoring to be valued.
Mentees feeling valued and growing in confidence was a key point of discussion. The ability to apply wider learning to mentees’ own roles and to embed that learning in the firm’s environment were also noted.
We compared different mentoring scenarios – from those who have been recently promoted to those who are between roles. There is usually an expectation of acquiring knowledge, skills, improved performance and development opportunities. Mentees may have either short term or long-term development perspectives.
Michael Hyatt’s quote: “Discomfort is a catalyst for growth. It makes us yearn for something more. It forces us to change, stretch, and adapt” seemed apt.
Measuring mentoring effectiveness
Naturally, we debated how to measure the impact of mentoring (hint: focus on the objectives of the organisation and the individual mentees).
Andy candidly explored some mentoring challenges. He offered guidance on how to avoid failure. Many of these ideas returned to the principles about: clarity of objectives, focusing on the mentee’s needs and protecting time and other boundaries.
Andy offered a framework to help mentors succeed: Create – Review – Refresh – Measure. And shared a checklist to help mentors and mentees prepare before, during and after mentoring meetings.
Delegates debated ideas to ensure a healthy mentoring culture including: strategy, internal engagement, embedding in team processes, managing expectations, matching processes, celebrating successes and role modelling.
His final points were his views about why mentoring programmes fail – not aspirational enough, not supported and not enabled or accessible.
Delegates were reminded that they can access a free mentor match service to become a mentor or mentee (or both). Mentor Match | Managing Partners’ Forum (mpfglobal.com)
About Andy Lopata
Andy Lopata is an experienced international speaker and podcast host and mentoring is the topic of his sixth book. He also writes for Psychology Today. He has held leadership positions in speaking, learning and mentoring associations.
Andy Lopata | LinkedIn His web site: Homepage – Andy Lopata
I reviewed Andy’s book on relationships at the end of 2023 Connected leadership – How professional relationships (kimtasso.com). Andy presented at the 2023 PM Forum conference on mentoring 28th PM Forum Conference: Organisational culture, mentoring (kimtasso.com).
Andy has already agreed to present the session again in 2025: Meaningful Mentoring – PM Forum. His session is part of the Coaching Skills Academy | Managing Partners’ Forum (mpfglobal.com) which is a joint venture between the Managing Partners’ Forum | (mpfglobal.com) and Home – PM Forum.
About the mentoring delegates
The delegates represented law, accountancy and risk consulting firms in roles as varied as marketing and business development, learning and development, leadership development and recruitment.
Most had some experience of being a mentor or mentee but not within a formal programme. Some delegates had responsibility for establishing a mentoring programme at their firms. Others were embarking on mentoring schemes for new graduates and some were focused on mentoring team members.
Delegates completed a mentoring assessment in advance of the session.
Thanks to Morag and Neha for being technical hosts at the session.
Related posts on coaching and mentoring books
Introductory coaching and mentoring books
Book Review: The Coaching Manual by Julie Starr – Kim Tasso July 2024
A complete guide to effective mentoring (kimtasso.com) September 2024
Book review: Coaching skills: A handbook by Jenny Rogers (kimtasso.com) June 2022
More advanced coaching and mentoring books:
The Fertile Void – Gestalt coaching at work by John Leary-Joyce (kimtasso.com) August 2024
Transformational Mentoring – creating developmental alliances (kimtasso.com) July 2024
Neuroscience for learning and development by Stella Collins (kimtasso.com) September 2023
Helping people change: Coaching with compassion (kimtasso.com) October 2019
Coaching models – book review of Stephen Gribben’s book (kimtasso.com) August 2017
Other books and some coaching qualifications are listed here: Coaching and consulting skills for M&BD workshop (November 2021) (kimtasso.com)
Organisational and cultural change books:
Book review: The Thriving Lawyer by Traci Cipriano (resilience) (kimtasso.com) June 2024
Neuroscience for learning and development by Stella Collins (kimtasso.com) September 2023
Book review: Neuroscience for organizational change by Hilary Scarlett (kimtasso.com) May 2020
Change management – Change Catalyst book review by Kim Tasso September 2018
change management and organisational change (kimtasso.com) January 2017 “Making sense of change management: A complete guide to the models, tools and techniques of organisational change” by Esther Cameron and Mike Green
Classic management book reviews – The McKinsey way, Good to great (kimtasso.com)
Coaching and mentoring skills articles
How to coach teams with Jamie Butler – Kim Tasso October 2024
Business Development Coaching Insights – Kim Tasso September 2024
fixed views and closed to new ideas (dealing with stubbornness) (kimtasso.com) July 2024
How do you choose a therapist? – Kim Tasso July 2024
You’re not listening – What you’re missing (kimtasso.com) June 2024
Change Management – Ted Lasso leadership lessons, emotions (kimtasso.com) May 2024
Coaching and Consulting – People and Problem-Solving skills (kimtasso.com) February 2024
Why are questions so important? (Questioning skills) (kimtasso.com) February 2024
What is Socratic questioning? (Questioning skills) (kimtasso.com) February 2024
Learning & Development Update: Lean Learning (kimtasso.com) October 2023
Coaching and Consulting skills – Limiting beliefs, approaches to helping (kimtasso.com) February 2023
Don’t jump to conclusions – Coaching and Consulting skills (kimtasso.com) February 2022
Coaching and consulting skills for M&BD workshop (November 2021) (kimtasso.com) November 2021
Active Listening (Video) (kimtasso.com) November 2020
Book launch: Essential soft skills for lawyers – some research findings (kimtasso.com) July 2020
Soft skills: Introduction to coaching – Three frameworks (kimtasso.com) June 2020
Boost business development success with coaching (kimtasso.com) February 2020
12 thoughts on delegation, coaching and team management (kimtasso.com) January 2020
The art of giving feedback – top tips (kimtasso.com) June 2018
Emotional contagion, delegation, coaching and team meetings (kimtasso.com) January 2018
Delegation for leaders – a how to guide (kimtasso.com) August 2017
Coaching skills – the power of questions (kimtasso.com) May 2017
coaching and mentoring skills (kimtasso.com) December 2015
Before your set your goals – check your limiting assumptions (kimtasso.com) January 2015
Coaching skills – the importance of active listening – Kim Tasso November 2014
Seven takeaways from a coaching skills course (2014) – Kim Tasso November 2014
Personality assessment as part of the coaching and development process (kimtasso.com) June 2013