What do you do when your boss is a micro-managing control freak?

March 4, 2024|Kim's Blog, Management Skills, Relationship Management|

Sadly, this topic still comes up occasionally during training workshops. Many people have suffered at the hands of a line manager who wants to know in detail what is happening and to control everything. It can be frustrating and disempowering. But there are potentially several reasons for this behaviour – some to do with your manager, and some to do with you. So what do you do when your boss is a micro-managing control freak?

Explore possible reasons for the behaviour

Before delving into possible strategies and options, consider the reasons for such micro-managing and controlling behaviour.

Some reasons relate to your line manager and some depend on you. Some reasons are positive, others can be negative. Different reasons for the behaviour suggest different actions.

And it is a relationship where you both have some responsibility. It takes two to tango!

Reasons your line manager is a micro-managing control freak (focus on your line manager)

Your line manager is using situational leadership

Line managers can lead their teams in a number of ways – depending on the situation or task and the skills/experience of the people that work for them. So they adapt their leadership style accordingly.

Supervision is where they believe their people need a lot of guidance. Often this style is used where their people are new to the role or relatively junior. So they feel they need to provide direct and detailed guidelines and to check progress regularly.

Coaching is where they are helping their people develop and take responsibility. And to grow in confidence. They ask questions to help their people think for themselves and to solve their own problems. Soft skills: Introduction to coaching – Three frameworks (kimtasso.com)

Delegation is where managers believe their people know what they are doing – so it’s much lighter touch. Delegation for leaders – a how to guide (kimtasso.com)

So the reason you may perceive it as micro-managing is because they have adopted a leadership style that is not matched to your expertise and experience.

Your line manager is a pigeon (not a magpie)

Some leaders are visionaries (I call them magpies). They explain what they want and step back to let others tackle the implementation.

Other managers are aggregators (I call them pigeons) – they like to delve into the detail. Leadership teams: Maverick Magpies and Predictable Pigeons (kimtasso.com)

Your line manager has little knowledge of your area of expertise

Sometimes, managers take on (or are assigned) responsibility for something where they know little or have little experience.

An example is where a fee-earner (e.g. a lawyer or accountant) takes line management responsibility for someone in marketing and business development. The fee-earner may not have been trained in marketing and business development. Their constant questioning and checking may be to enable them to develop their understanding of the situation and processes. They are learning.

And they may want to be fully prepared if their superiors ask questions about what is happening in the team.

Your line manager is used to managing junior technicians

Lawyers and accountants regularly manage and develop junior fee-earners. Professional rules require them to check everything that their juniors complete as they bear ultimate responsibility for it being correct. Professional negligence is a scary prospect!

So if they are used to managing junior fee-earners in this way then they may not realise they need a different style for managing other types of people – such as those in marketing and business development or those with more experience.

Your line manager needs to be in control

Some people need to be in control. They fear making mistakes and don’t want to appear vulnerable.

This can be due to low self-esteem or a low sense of self-worth. See more in this post about self-esteem and self-confidence Be more confident and convey confidence – top tips (kimtasso.com)

Your line manager is a “Bulldozer”/Expert-know-it-all

Some time ago I prepared an analysis of different types of “difficult” behaviours – what these managers do, why they do it, how it makes you feel, what behaviours you should avoid and possible strategies. Please let me know if you’d like a copy. In that analysis, there are a couple of areas that may be relevant to micro-managers: Bulldozers and Expert-know-it-alls.

“Bulldozers” are often closed to ideas, adopt a lecturing mode, act superior, assume they are always right, can be aggressive and are unforgiving of errors. They are really good at their job. But they are intolerant of anyone who doesn’t reach their high standards. Their behaviour makes you feel irritated, inferior, worthless and stupid.

You need to avoid wishing they were different or trying to change them, challenging their standing as experts and saying “maybe” – be clear in your recommendations.

Possible strategies to adopt with bulldozers and experts:

View them as a source of great knowledge and an opportunity to grow
Show respect for their knowledge and expertise
Prepare and plan in detail
Provide concrete evidence
Select tasks which interest them and with clear responsibilities that can be measured
Ask questions to elaborate or to point out problems (see Why are questions so important? (Questioning skills) (kimtasso.com))
Help them save face if things go wrong
Do a cost/benefit analysis – be prepared to give up on occasions (choose your battles wisely!)

Your line manager is a “Power Clutcher” or Perfectionist

These people do too much supervision, provide detailed instructions and check everything you do.

Possible reasons for this behaviour include: they need to be certain, they lack confidence or trust in their people, they seek perfection, have a strong wish to be in charge and fear failure. They may make you feel stifled, stupid or untrusted. You need to avoid making mistakes or paying insufficient attention to detail.

Possible strategies to adopt with Power Clutchers and Perfectionists:

Try to uncover any hidden doubts they have about your abilities or trustworthiness
Acknowledge their concerns and show how you plan to avoid mistakes
Communicate in their style
Build trust by acknowledging and accepting their fears and suspicions
Welcome frequent check-ins
Probe for clues as to the reasons for their fear of mistakes (did they have a bad experience in the past?)
Emphasise your contingency plans
Provide subtle education on your approach and reasoning

You might also find it helpful to consider how to deal with arrogant behaviour: Dealing with “difficult” people – Nine strategies for dealing with arrogance (kimtasso.com)

Your line manager feels threatened by you

Another possible explanation is that your line manager feels insecure in their role and/or threatened by you. This is a really tricky situation to diagnose and to resolve.

You might try non-threatening communication techniques (see leadership conversation skills: SCARF model of neuroscience (kimtasso.com)). And showing respect and loyalty. But it’s really up to the insecure manager to change their thoughts and behaviour.

So you are likely to need help from the Human Resources team or your manager’s line manager.

Reasons your line manager is a micro-managing control freak (focus on you)

You are new in the role and relationship

If new in the role, you may not have had time to develop a strong relationship with your line manager yet.

The line manager may not know your strengths and capabilities – so there is uncertainty and an absence of trust. So they ask you detailed questions about your thinking and actions so that they can learn more about you. As their knowledge of you and your capabilities increases, they start to trust you more. So, in time, they should ease off with the constant questions and checking. Be patient.

You are not communicating effectively

It may be that you are not communicating what you plan to do and why in a way that they understand or need.

Be empathic and try to adopt their perspective. Listen to them. They may not know technically what you are doing. They may think you desire attention and detailed instructions. Think about what information they need. Consider how you might reassure them that you understand their requirements and will behave in a way that they find acceptable.

They are trying to protect you

Your line manager may be trying to protect you.

Professional services firms can be unforgiving. You may have to deal with many partners and not all of them are supportive. The professions are risk averse and dislike mistakes perhaps more than other environments because of the possible issues around professional negligence.

There often isn’t as much psychological safety as you might hope. So a small mistake can be remembered for a long time – particularly if it has an impact on a senior person. So sometimes, line managers may check and double-check to ensure that you are unlikely to make a mistake. They want to see you walking effectively before you start to run. They are trying to keep your reputation intact.

They are developing your political astuteness

Your line manager has likely been working in the firm for some time. They know the culture and history. They have a deep understanding of the personalities and politics in the firm – who has power, who has influence, who are the movers and shakers, who are the champions and supporters and perhaps who to avoid. They will also know the preferences and styles of the people you are working with.

So their questions and checking may be designed to help you navigate the political and personal sensitivities around you.

You have a different personality or style to your manager

Some people are introverts and some are extroverts. Some people focus on the task, others on relationships. Some people focus on the big picture, others on the detail.

Many firms use personality assessments. Typically, MBTI or Colour Insights. You need to recognise and adapt to work effectively with different types. There’s information about personalities and styles:

dog, cat and bear personalities – Better business relationships (kimtasso.com)

Creativity and personality profiling (kimtasso.com)

Another possibility is that you have come from very different cultural backgrounds. And you are interpreting their behaviour from your cultural perspective. Increasing your cultural intelligence may help: How can I improve my cross cultural communication (kimtasso.com). There are also generational differences to take into account. This book is helpful in navigating a host of differences: Book review: Digital Body Language – How to build trust by Erica Dhawan (kimtasso.com)

Sadly, there are still occasions where there is gender bias What do you do when a male colleague doesn’t like women? (gender bias) (kimtasso.com)

What can you do to improve the situation with a micro-managing controlling manager?

Build the relationship

The Harvard Business Review defines managing up as “being the most effective employee you can be, creating value for your boss and your company.” So managing up is about building a relationship with your manager where the two of you are partners in problem-solving. Typically, the advice for managing up includes:

Learn what your manager wants to achieve – their aims and priorities
Compare what is important for your manager to what’s important to you
Appreciate that your manager may have other people reporting to them
Adapt to their preferred communication style
Identify what irritates or frustrates your manager (and avoid it)
Explain what is important to you – and why
Ask questions so you fully understand their expectations
Keep your manager in the loop – let them know what is happening
Anticipate their needs and questions – be prepared and proactive
Alert them to your successes – as well as your challenges
Communicate regularly so that there are no surprises
Prepare before meetings – so you remember everything you need to say
Drip feed information about a future request or idea – it takes time to internalise ideas
Separate requests and be clear about what you require
Own your mistakes – admit it if there are errors
Offer solutions, rather than problems (similarly, make requests rather than complaints)

Check your perceptions

Perception plays a huge role in these situations. You should first check your perceptions. If you have labelled someone as “difficult” it will be hard for you to notice behaviours that contradict your view of them.

You perceive their behaviour as micro-managing and controlling. But is it really? Did you form an opinion or label based on an isolated incident? Once you form an opinion or label you fail to notice any behaviours that refute your initial impression. You might try asking other people who have worked for the manager to see how they perceive his or her behaviour. This might help you work out whether the manager always behaves this way, or only with you.

Try reframing

Similarly, if you adopt a negative label such as “micro-managing and controlling” you might consider reframing this behaviour in a more positive light. For example: “diligent and caring”.

You change the way you perceive their behaviour. This will alter the way you behave which may also prompt a change in their behaviour. Building Resilience – Regulation, Reframing, Relationships (kimtasso.com)

Communicate face-to-face

These days much of our communication is in written, electronic form. And it’s easy to miscommunicate in digital communications. So try to communicate face-to-face as much as possible – there’s less chance of misunderstandings.

There’s an excellent technique for communicating quickly and effectively with people who are time poor in this book: How to start conversations that get results (kimtasso.com)

And if you have to use digital communications, you might pick up some tips from this excellent book: Book review: Digital Body Language – How to build trust by Erica Dhawan (kimtasso.com)

Communicate in a non-threatening way

You can also learn to communicate in a way that isn’t threatening: leadership conversation skills: SCARF model of neuroscience (kimtasso.com)

There is also a movement focusing on non-violent communication. The four step process includes: Observation, Feelings, Needs and Requests. The Center for Nonviolent Communication | Home of NVC – Center for Nonviolent Communication (cnvc.org)

Adapt your style

We are all different. That’s both a joy and a challenge. We can get stuck in a rut behaving the same way with everyone. Someone once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different outcome”.

Observe your manager. See things from their perspective. Develop empathy. Assess their communication preferences. Adapt your style.

Win their trust and be patient

You need to be patient. Tolerate the checking and micro-managing for a while. Accept that they need to be reassured that you know what you are doing and that you won’t let them down. Consistently deliver good work and results.

As they begin to trust you, they are likely to reduce the amount of checking and controlling.

Educate them

Acknowledge that they may know little about what you are doing.

Take time to explain what you are doing and why. And keep it simple.

Let them ask questions. Answer carefully and fully. Listen to their concerns. Share evidence of your knowledge and the effectiveness of the approach you are adopting.

Provide feedback

You need to communicate with your line manager. In a calm, non-accusatory way. The art of giving feedback – top tips (kimtasso.com)

They may be unaware of the impact of their behaviour on you. Ask questions. Explore their reasons for the high level of checking. Articulate your feedback about the relationship. Explain how you interpret and react to their behaviour.

Focus on the behaviours that they are able to change. Use your assertiveness skills to explain what you need as an alternative. Assertiveness skills – getting what you want and saying “No” (kimtasso.com). Have specific suggestions for how to improve the situation.

Improve your conflict management skills

If the situation worsens and the relationship starts to deteriorate, you may find it helpful to improve your conflict resolution skills.

Soft skills – Dealing with difficult conversations (kimtasso.com)

Nine ideas for better conflict management (kimtasso.com)

the parent, adult, child (PAC) model helps with difficult interactions (kimtasso.com)

Business relationships – Using the drama triangle to resolve conflict (kimtasso.com)

Ask for a mediator

Some firms provide mediators (or coaches) to help you deal with tricky relationships. Ask your human resources professionals if this is something that you can access.

Kim Tasso mediation services – interpersonal conflict

Mediation skills and strategies – A practical guide by Tony Whatling (kimtasso.com)

Escalate

It is important that you look after your mental well-being, so take action if you feel the situation is causing you significant ongoing stress.

If the situation continues or worsens then you may need to escalate the issue. Either to your manager’s manager or to a Human Resources professional. Some firms may provide mediation support to help you work through the issues to find a better way to work together.

This article is also helpful 7 signs you’re dealing with a micromanager (and how to manage them) (breathehr.com) October 2023

Scenarios

One person who reviewed this article suggested I share some scenarios.

Inexperienced manager

An executive was recruited into a new role to support a manager who had recently been promoted.

The executive was newly-qualified and full of energy and enthusiasm for how she might improve processes and results. But every time she proposed something, her manager scrutinised it in detail and put it on hold. The executive became frustrated.

This went on for a while. And the executive became increasingly fed up. The manager was fed up too – the executive was supposed to be helping but had turned into a hindrance.

The pair were encouraged to sit down and talk things through. The manager revealed that he had experienced a really tough time getting things through previously and wanted the executive to learn from his experience to avoid the same thing. The manager also revealed that he was getting push-back from the Board about spend and the pace of change – with other priorities being forced onto the agenda.

The executive realised that whilst many of the things she was trying to do were standard practice in many businesses, the culture of the firm simply wouldn’t support such change so quickly. The executive also learned of the other projects that the manager was tasked with and offered to help in those areas.

Together they crafted a plan that addressed the Board’s needs. The manager agreed to try to shift from “doing” to “leading” mode on a day-to-day basis – albeit with agreed sign-off processes. He also agreed to provide support on one project that the executive felt was really important.

Style clash

An experienced manager constantly clashed with his director.

The manager produced great evidence-based plans. Yet the director kept questioning the plans and asking for more detail. The director stopped the manager meeting with others outside the department. The manager felt he was getting nowhere. The director declined invitations to meetings with the manager.

The manager felt isolated. And under-valued. He stopped trying to talk to the director. And started looking for a new job.

The director noticed the “quiet quitting” of the manager. He didn’t know how to resolve the issue. And contacted HR with a view to failing the manager at his probation. The HR team invited the manager to a discussion. HR advised the manager that the director found him uncommunicative, lacking respect, resistant to instructions and unproductive.

The manager was shocked. And angry. The director was task-focused and not used to being questioned or challenged. He was very much from the old school of “command and control”. The HR team outlined the director’s expectations – which were significantly different to what the manager had been led to believe. HR proposed a new workplan for the following three months – extending the probation period.

The manager adjusted his style – concentrating on the tasks outlined as being important to the director. He tolerated the lack of regular, informal discussions he had hoped for with his director. He tackled the assigned tasks and became more passive when talking to the director. But continued to look for another job.

After six weeks, the manager resigned. The director was alarmed as he felt things had improved significantly. The director invited the manager to a meeting where he asked him to rethink his decision to leave. The manager was surprised that the director gave positive feedback on some of the things he had completed. The manager explained what he wanted. Whilst not all of his requests were accepted, the director did make some concessions. And the manager remained in the role.

Please let me know – in confidence – if you have experienced a micro-managing control freak manager. And what you did to improve the situation. Your story may help and provide hope to others.

Why are questions so important? (Questioning skills) (kimtasso.com) February 2024

Questions on confidence at work (kimtasso.com) January 2024

leadership conversation skills: SCARF model of neuroscience (kimtasso.com) October 2023

What do you do when a male colleague doesn’t like women? (gender bias) (kimtasso.com) February 2023

Kim Tasso mediation services – interpersonal conflict January 2022

Dealing with “difficult” people – Nine strategies for dealing with arrogance (kimtasso.com) June 2021

Book review: Digital Body Language – How to build trust by Erica Dhawan (kimtasso.com) June 2021

Book review – Persuasion: The art of influencing people by James Borg (kimtasso.com) March 2021

Resources to help you deal with difficult interactions (kimtasso.com) February 2021

Mediation skills and strategies – A practical guide by Tony Whatling (kimtasso.com) October 2020

Soft skills – Dealing with difficult conversations (kimtasso.com) September 2020

the parent, adult, child (PAC) model helps with difficult interactions (kimtasso.com) September 2020