Assertiveness toolbox

May 16, 2025|Kim's Blog, Marketing, Relationship Management|

Assertiveness - Confidence - Effectiveness - Communication skills

The “Assertiveness, effectiveness and impact” Home – PM Forum training workshop was lively. Thanks to the delegates from legal, accountancy, private equity, insolvency and engineering firms from across the UK. Amongst their sector were: social housing, charities/NFP, real estate and oil & gas. Assertiveness is the extent to which you communicate honestly and openly and the degree to which you consider others. I’ve selected from the delegates’ top takeaways to provide an assertiveness toolbox of 12 practical ideas to help you be more assertive.

Adapt to different styles

Everyone is different. This means that we will get on with some people more than others. Research estimates that we have a natural rapport with between 10% – 30% of the people we meet. There is also the possibility that there will be some people who it will be really hard to get on with.

Learn to identify different styles – and to adapt your style to ease interactions. Yes, you remain your authentic self but you can adapt your behaviour so it feels more familiar to the other person.

The model of different styles we considered is: dog, cat and bear personalities – Better business relationships

Be goal-focused and strategic

Assertive people know and can articulate their needs. A key part of this is understanding your goals – for the day, week, month, quarter or year. Goals give you a focus for what you are doing and makes it easier to be clear what you want and need and when. And also to align your goals with those of others for better co-operation and collaboration.

Always ask what the other person is trying to achieve. That shows interest. And check that their aims and expectations are realistic and aligned with the firm’s strategic priorities. Otherwise, we risk being diverted into too many ad-hoc and tactical activities.

Build empathy and trust

Spend time talking to and listening to the views of fee-earners and team members. Develop your understanding of what they do and why they do it – and what’s important to them. Being curious is a good way to show your interest in them and in learning more about them and their motivations.

By adopting their point of view, it’s often easier to understand their requests and provide the necessary support. And perhaps divert them to a solution that will be more effective. With greater empathy and trust it is easier to form strong relationships and assert your point of view.

Several delegates committed to asking more questions in future.

An introduction to emotional intelligence (EQ) and empathy (Video)

What is curiosity and why is it important in business relationships? (Video)

Why are questions so important? (Questioning skills)

Depersonalise

Sometimes, the people we work with may react in a negative way. They may appear arrogant, curt, cross, demanding, uncaring, uninterested or rude.

It’s natural that we may take such interactions to heart. And feel hurt or upset.

But it helps to keep things in perspective. Not to assume that the person is being negative about you. They could be having a bad day. They could react to everyone in the same way.

You are responsible for how you feel. Other people are responsible for how they feel.

This article explores seven ways to depersonalise conflict. Don’t Take It Personally | Psychology Today I particularly like the idea of having an inner conversation coach.

Develop confidence

Various techniques were discussed to help you feel and appear confident.

Some ideas related to building your knowledge and experience so you felt more confident. To learn to trust yourself and stand your ground when necessary. We also explored models to build your personal power. How do you make a personal impact – Make a difference

Soft skills – Boost your self-confidence and confidence (Video)

Questions on confidence at work

Boosting Your Confidence at Work – A Toolbox for Success

Other tools related to how you can use your non-verbal communication (NVC) to appear more confident.

Non-Verbal Communication (NVC) – the basics (Video)

Assertive communication: The importance of voice

There were advocates of the “Fake it til you make it” approach. Amy Cuddy TED Talk – Fake it Till You Make it

Frame things positively

Emotions are contagious. Emotional contagion, delegation, coaching and team meetings

Try to avoid creating negativity by framing things in a positive way. It means taking a positive perspective or looking for the good things in an otherwise negative situation.

The framing effect – where our decisions are influenced by the way information is presented – is explained here Framing effect – The Decision Lab

The Power of Positive Framing – The Kevin Eikenberry Group

Know your boundaries

We talked about fixed, fluid and healthy boundaries.

Maintaining boundaries can be especially hard for marketing and business development professionals. We have a client-first and service orientation. We feel the need to provide a responsive service as a fundamental part of our philosophy. But we also need to know when and how to say “No”.

If we know in advance what we are willing and able to do – and where we draw the line – it makes it easier to be assertive. And if we are consistent, others will respect those boundaries and hopefully modify their behaviour accordingly. But the first few times we try to maintain our boundaries, we are likely to receive resistance and push back.

Be clear on your boundaries – what work you are able and unable to accept, the extent to which you are prepared to work additional hours etc.

You can use the DEARMAN method to set boundaries:

Describe the situation that leaves you feeling uncomfortable or resentful
Express how you feel about the situation using “I” statements
Assert your needs and communicate clearly what you want
Reinforce why the boundary is important to your needs
Be mindful when making your point – stay focused on your objective
Appear confident by taking up space with your body
Negotiate when needed – offer alternative solutions to the problem

There’s further guidance in this excellent HBR article A Guide to Setting Better Boundaries

Practice saying “No”

Once you have established your boundaries, it will be easier to manage expectations and decline unwanted requests.

Delegates experimented with ways to say “No”

I’d like to help but I am at full capacity at present
Our strategic priorities are already set out
Perhaps you might find some help…(then direct them to other sources of help)
Ask questions to explore deadlines and resources needed
Respectfully provide a reason you are unable to help on this occasion
Explore whether a compromise is possible
Assess whether others in your team or their team can help
Frame a decline in a respectful and positive way
Help them find a better solution going forward

Sometimes, when you are saying “No” to providing help you may be able to delegate the task to someone else in the team who has capacity. Or identify another source of help amongst the business support professionals. Delegation for leaders – a how to guide

I saw these 10 scripts for saying no without guilt by Dr Carolyn Frost of Life, Health, and Mindset Coaching with Dr. Carolyn Frost

Prepare before interactions

Spend time preparing (researching, exploring information on systems, checking processes, thinking about the people etc) before key interactions and meetings.

If you anticipate a tricky interaction, consider listing out the main points you wish to convey, how you will respond to questions and push back. Maybe rehearse what and how you will say.

Request time to think

No one knows the answer to everything immediately.

So sometimes we must request time to consider our response. You might need to do some research, consult your colleagues or check out what others have done. Time also allows us to be creative and consider alternatives. Being under pressure limits that ability. Having some time to think is important – especially in problem-solving scenarios.

How to Request Time to Think: Phrases for When You Don’t Know How to Respond…Yet – Sharí Alexander | Elevated í

Respond, don’t react

Emotional regulation is important for confident communication and to establish your credibility. Emotional Regulation – A key element of Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

Sometimes, people say something that triggers a strong emotional reaction. Communication and relationships can be impaired if we unleash our immediate emotional reaction. However, if we wait 90 seconds the emotion will pass. Then our cognitive abilities are restored and we are able to craft a rational response.

This article outlines the Pause, Process, Plan and Proceed model A Simple Formula for Responding Not Reacting – The Growth Equation

Similarly, you can avoid triggering an emotional reaction in others by following the SCARF model of communication: leadership conversation skills: SCARF model of neuroscience

Speak up at meetings

Whilst it can be hard to generate the courage to speak up at virtual and in person meetings, it really helps with building your confidence, presence and visibility.

Enlist the support of your manager or colleagues to ensure you are invited to speak – even if just for a few minutes to update people on a key project.

Confidence – How to get a word in when people keep talking