Giving feedback in professional relationships

June 13, 2025|Kim's Blog, Management Skills, Psychology, Relationship Management|

An article I wrote on “Giving effective feedback” was published in the June issue of Counsel Magazine | COUNSEL | The Magazine of the Bar of England and Wales. Giving feedback in professional relationships.

“I think it’s very important to have a feedback loop, where you’re constantly thinking about what you’ve done and how you could be doing it better” Elon Musk

“We all need people who give us feedback. That’s how we improve” Bill Gates

“The key to learning is feedback. It is nearly impossible to learn anything without it” Steven D Levitt

“Feedback is a gift only when it comes from a person who has earned your trust” Gary Chapman

“It is better to give than to receive” might not quite ring true when it comes to feedback.

Many will remember occasions where we were given feedback that hurt. We are less likely to remember the good feedback that helped us become better professionals. In an article on the art and science of giving and receiving criticism at work, Courtney Seiter said: “We remember criticism strongly but inaccurately if it conflicts with our self-image. Negativity bias means we remember negative things more strongly”.

Effective feedback means “Paying attention and giving high-quality feedback from an empathic place, stepping into the other person’s shoes, appreciating his or her experience, and helping to move that person into a learning mode” (Kate Ludeman).

Why is feedback important?

Feedback is important for many reasons not least as a major tool enabling junior professionals to adapt, learn and grow. It’s vital for development and career progression.

Feedback is a fundamental part of learning. We tackle a new task, observe the results, obtain feedback and then modify our behaviour in the future. Without feedback, we are learning in a vacuum. Struggling with the inefficient and painful approach of “trial and error”.

As leaders, we coach our people to support their learning. Daniel Goleman and Richard E Boyatzis wrote in Harvard Business Review (2017) that there are 12 domains of emotional intelligence – one of which is coaching and mentoring. And providing feedback is a vital part of coaching. Research on leadership and emotional intelligence (EQ)

Feedback empowers and motivates people. Psychologist Nancy Kline found that a five-to-one ratio of appreciation to criticism helps people to think for themselves. She argued that change takes place best in the context of genuine praise. The art of giving feedback – top tips

This relates to psychological safety in the workplace. Management consultants McKinsey explain: “Psychological safety means feeling safe to take interpersonal risks, to speak up, to disagree openly, to surface concerns without fear of negative repercussions or pressure to sugarcoat bad news”. It can be hard for people to feel comfortable speaking up – when there are senior and more experienced people around and expectations are high. fixed views and closed to new ideas (dealing with stubbornness)

Feedback is important for motivation. The Progress Principle study found that there were three types of feedback:

Nourishing events that were uplifting – praise or emotional support
Catalytic events that helped work tasks – training or resources
Progress events – receiving feedback on progress

The study also found that employees’ “best” days involved progress events.

Feedback situations

We might seek feedback from juniors so that we can become better leaders and managers. Many chambers operate 360 feedback surveys where views are confidentially obtained from juniors, seniors and peers. We might seek informal views of our peers – to do a “reality check”. Sometimes it is hard to hear what others think – even when we had suspected such views but especially if we were unaware.

There are formal feedback situations such as the annual appraisal process – where we provide feedback on performance over a long period of time and against agreed measures. But regular, informal and timely feedback helps people learn and adapt as they go. To know – while it is fresh and front of mind – what and how they might do better in the future.

Many law firms and some barristers’ chambers request feedback from clients. This probes perceptions of how well lawyers connected, understood their needs, demonstrated technical expertise, proposed practical solutions and delivered good legal advice. Is the client always right? No. But their perceptions are their reality.

A 2014 HBR article by Jack Zenger showed people want corrective feedback even more than praise, if it’s provided in a constructive manner. By roughly a three to one margin, people believe it does even more to improve their performance than positive feedback. Generally speaking, the older they were, the more feedback people wanted. “Boomers” (born between 1946 and 1964) showed a much stronger preference for giving positive feedback and for receiving negative feedback than the other two generation groups studied.

Avoid feedback that hurts

Tread carefully around delicate egos. Our personalities and self-worth mean we react differently to feedback. For some people, feedback might have little impact and for others it might feel traumatic. We can’t assess how people will react unless we know the person well and that is difficult with junior or new members of the set.

We can minimise stress and conflict by giving feedback on performance in a positive way. Feedback should be seen as a way to increase self-awareness, offer options and encourage learning rather than being judgemental and critical.

Research by psychologist Naomi Eisenberger showed that the brain treats social pain much like physical pain. Giving positive feedback can activate reward centres more than financial windfalls. There appears to be five social rewards (and threats) that are deeply important to the brain. So people can experience feedback as an attack on their “status,” which to the brain is perceived like a physical attack. Leadership: Lessons from Star Trek and Neuroscience – Kim Tasso

So frame feedback in a way that doesn’t activate people’s threat response. The SCARF model leadership conversation skills: SCARF model of neuroscience uses those five domains of human social experience:

Status is about where you are in relation to others around you. Your sense of personal worth
Certainty concerns being able to predict the future
Autonomy provides a sense of control over events
Relatedness is a sense of safety with others, of friend rather than foe
Fairness is a perception of impartial and just exchanges between people

American psychologist Edgar H. Schein observed that survival anxiety needs to exceed learning anxiety if people are to change.

What’s the best way to provide feedback?

Examine your relationship with the person to whom you are providing feedback. They must see you as credible. There needs to be respect and trust. They must believe that you have good intentions and the feedback must be helpful.

Have some empathy – recall how you feel when receiving feedback. Put yourself in their shoes and imagine what they might be feeling as they hear your feedback. You should comment on the behaviour (which can be changed) and NOT the person (which cannot be changed).

The content of your feedback should be information specific (i.e. provide examples and evidence), issue focused and based on observation. Your manner will be important too – you need to be direct and sincere and “own” the feedback.

Some suggest you provide a feedback sandwich – with positive layers wrapping up the more critical material. So start with a positive comment and appreciation for effort or work done well. Then mention the areas requiring change. Then make another positive observation. Keep language descriptive rather than evaluative.

It helps to understand learning theory when it comes to delivering feedback. For example, David Kolb’s model Improve learning effectiveness – Using Kolb’s learning styles uses a four-stage cycle. Feedback is critical for the reflective stage and important for conceptualisation and experimentation stages. The Gibb’s model of reflection Improve learning effectiveness – Using Kolb’s learning styles guides your questions:

Description – What happened?
Feelings – What were you thinking and feeling?
Evaluation – What was good and bad about the experience?
Analysis – What sense can you make of the situation?
Conclusion – What else could have been done?
Action plan – If it arose again, what would you do?

It may be that the person is aware of their shortfalls – so you have no need to tell them. Often, people are more critical of their performance than is merited. In this case you can provide a realistic counter view. It will feel reassuring and supportive to them.

The timing and circumstances for providing feedback must be appropriate – and it should be an interactive process (a dialogue). The message (what is to be done and avoided in future) must be clear.

After providing feedback check that they have understood. Encourage them to ask further questions. Extract learning points for others. Help them to identify action points for the future. And follow up to see how they get on.

Geoffrey James offers 10 rules for giving feedback:

Make negative feedback unusual
Don’t stockpile negative feedback
Never use feedback to vent
Don’t email negative feedback
Start with an honest compliment
Uncover the root of the problem
Listen before you speak (Most people can’t learn unless they first feel that they’ve been heard)
Ask questions that drive self-evaluation
Coach the behaviours you would like to see
Be willing to accept feedback too