Healthy boundaries at home and at work – how to set and maintain

January 29, 2026|Kim's Blog, Management Skills, Relationship Management|

Boundaries are important for many things – defining yourself, being heard, asserting your needs, self-care and protecting yourself. A lack of boundaries at work may result in you feeling unseen, undervalued and overworked. A lack of boundaries in your personal life may leave you in dysfunctional and unhappy relationships with family, friends and loved ones. Both recovering therapy clients and coaching clients seeking personal growth gain a lot by assessing and changing their boundaries. Healthy boundaries help you feel better about yourself, improve your mental health and support healthy relationships. Healthy boundaries at home and at work – how to set and maintain them

In this article about healthy boundaries we consider:

Awareness: What are boundaries? Why are they important?
Reflect: How are my boundaries?
Understand: How were my boundaries created?
Change: How do I set (new) boundaries?
Sustain: How do I maintain my (new) boundaries

Boundaries are a bit of a paradox. We need social connection for our wellbeing and good mental health. But we also need to manage the type and nature of our social interactions otherwise they may cause us harm.

Awareness: What are boundaries? Why are they important?

Personal boundaries are the limits and “rules” we set for ourselves in relationships. They allow authentic self-expression. Whether those relationships are at work or at home. Boundaries define what we find acceptable and unacceptable in how others treat us. Boundaries protect our well-being, maintain self-respect and foster healthier connections.

Our boundaries act like an invisible fence. They communicate our needs and allow us to say “no” without feeling guilt. They help ensure a balance between our own needs and others’ demands.

Boundaries are important for self-care. To rebalance the extent to which we respond to others’ needs with how much we respect our own needs. Those with weak or porous boundaries often need to reduce the time they spend pleasing other people and to take responsibility for looking after themselves.

There are many advantages of healthy boundaries:

Good emotional and mental health
Greater autonomy
Developed identity
Avoidance of burnout
Influence others’ behaviour

There are different types of boundaries:

Physical boundaries (protect your personal space and body and communicate your views on physical touch)
Emotional boundaries (protect your thoughts, feelings and opinions)
Verbal boundaries (protect how you speak and are spoken to and what is discussed)
Time boundaries (protect how you spend your time)
Spiritual boundaries (protect your values and what you believe in)
Financial boundaries (protect your finances and assets, your decisions about giving or lending money)
Sexual boundaries (consent, confidentiality, protect your safety and preferences)
Work boundaries (protect your limits in the workplace)

Healthy boundaries at work can protect you from burn-out:

Define your work hours – and honour them
Stop responding instantly
Say “no” without overexplaining or justifying
Protect your focus time
Separate work from rest
Don’t normalise overwork
Model boundaries if you are a leader

Boundaries at work aren’t about doing less – they are about protecting your energy so that you can do your best work. If you’re constantly tired, overwhelmed or resentful at work it could be the result of weak boundaries. Boundaries are not a weakness, they are a strategy to prevent burnout.

Personal Boundaries: Types and How to Set Them | Psych Central

Reflect: How are my boundaries?

Start by considering your boundary style. Are your boundaries mostly porous, heathy or rigid?

Porous boundaries

Allows anyone to get close
Overshares personal information
Has difficulty saying no
Overly involved in others’ problems
Quick to adopt others’ opinions
Avoids conflict by giving in to others
Does not assert personal values
Communicates passively

Healthy boundaries

Selective about whom to keep out
Takes time to build trust with others
Shares personal information appropriately
Able to say “no” when needed
Supports others without getting too involved
Values both own and others’ opinions
Accepts conflict as a normal part of life
Stands by personal values, but can adapt
Communicates assertively

Rigid boundaries

Keeps most people at a distance
Very untrusting of others
Very guarded with personal information
Says “no” to others most of the time
Detached from others’ problems
Tends to ignore others’ opinions
Avoids conflict by pushing others away
Has inflexible personal values
Communicates aggressively

When you have weak or porous boundaries you are at risk of:

Being seen as a people pleaser. Your weak boundaries may be because you fear disappointing other people. You may value the views and validation of other people more than your own. You may use compliance as a way to stay safe and avoid conflict. You may fear that you will lose relationships if you assert your own needs.

Preserving low self-esteem. Weak boundaries may be the result of a low sense of self-esteem (see Overcoming low self-esteem – a self help guide using cognitive). Low self-esteem often means feelings of unworthiness or being undeserving of attention and love. People with low self-esteem often feel uncomfortable when people ask them to put their own needs first. People with low self-esteem may be so focused on other people’s needs that they are completely out of touch with their own wants and needs. Low self-esteem is often the result of a lack of appropriate attention from your care givers when you were young (see “Adult children of emotionally immature parents – how to heal

Being seen as a rescuer. Having weak boundaries may be a learned defence mechanism. For example, In the drama triangle, one person acts as the persecutor, another as victim and the third as rescuer. Often, rescuers focus on the needs of others to deflect attention from their own situation Business relationships – Using the drama triangle to resolve conflict

Enmeshment refers to relationships that have become so intertwined that boundaries are non-existent or identical. While this concept most often occurs between a primary caregiver and their child, it can also happen in romantic relationships. What is Enmeshment? Definition and Signs – Attachment Project

Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic in which one person assumes the role of “the giver,” sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, “the taker.” Codependency | Psychology Today United Kingdom

People with porous or rigid boundaries may find it helpful to look at resources on assertiveness:

Assertiveness toolbox – Kim Tasso May 2025
assertiveness, impact and effectiveness March 2018
Assertiveness skills – getting what you want and saying “No” March 2017

There is usually a focus on boundaries at the outset of therapy. You will discuss and agree how you will work with your therapist. There are likely to be boundaries about things like: when sessions start and end, confidentiality, what you feel comfortable discussing, what happens in between sessions, what happens if you see your therapist outside of therapy etc. There are often professional boundaries – your therapist has to operate within the ethics, standards and rules of his or her professional body.

Understand: How were my boundaries created?

Your boundaries are the result of learned behaviour. They have become a way of thinking and behaving – they are a habit. Often unconscious. But you can change them. Although it takes work and effort to change your boundaries. And those around you may resist your attempt to change your boundaries.

Your boundaries are influenced by the environment in which you grew up and how you learned to behave (or survive) in the past. Boundaries are generated by many things – for example:

Parenting styles – Parents set boundaries so children learn social and cultural “rules” in their environment. Children absorb and assimilate those boundaries

Experience – You may have learned that certain behaviours generate praise or criticism from others. You may have learned that certain behaviours keep you safe

Defence – You may have learned to behave in a certain way to avoid difficult or unpleasant situations

Your attachment style will affect your boundaries (Attached by Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller). Trauma may affect your boundaries (What happened to you? Conversations on trauma, resilience and Book reviews on stress and trauma – “When the body says No”). And your assertiveness style is also relevant (i.e. porous boundaries suggest passivity and rigid boundaries suggest aggressiveness – see above).

Assertiveness is the ability to communicate your needs, feelings and opinions clearly, directly and honestly. Whilst respecting the rights and beliefs of others. Developing healthy boundaries means recognising your rights.

Setting boundaries boosts self-esteem and ensures your personal needs are prioritized. They allow you to self-advocate and get your needs met.

Change: How do I set (new) boundaries?

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others” Brene Brown

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated” Brene Brown

“Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do” Rachel Wolchin

“Walls keep everyone out. Boundaries teach them where the door is” Mark Groves

“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say “no” to almost everything” Warren Buffet

Start by considering your personal values and beliefs. And your needs. These are the foundations of what boundaries are important to you – and why you get upset when people break those boundaries. There are tools in CBT (Cognitive Based Therapy) to help you explore your core beliefs.

Boundaries don’t start with words, they start with regulation (The Feeling Expert – Psychotherapy IFS Therapist Florida | The Feeling Expert – Holistic Therapy for Body Mind Spirit)

When you begin regulating your nervous system, something important shifts
Your body slowly learns that connection doesn’t disappear just because you protect your energy
Learn you can say “This doesn’t work for me” and still be loved
You learn that your needs are not a burden

There’s more on regulation here: Confidence – Radiators and Drains and the 90 second rule

In DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy), the DEARMAN method is used to help set boundaries:

Describe the situation that leaves you feeling uncomfortable or resentful (“I’ve noticed that when…”)
Express how you feel about the situation using “I” statements (“I feel frustrated and upset when….as it seems that….)
Assert your needs and communicate clearly what you want (“Please do this…..”)
Reinforce why the boundary is important to your needs (“This will make me feel…”)
Be Mindful when making your point – stay focused on your objective
Appear confident by taking up space with your body (Shoulders back, make eye contact and speak in a calm but assertive tone)
Negotiate when needed – or offer alternative solutions to the problem (“If there’s an urgent…”)

Examples of how to set boundaries at work:

Thanks for the reminder, I’ll get to that as soon as I can
I’m honoured you asked me to help, but I’m unable to add anything else to my workload
I check my emails between 9am and 5pm, I will respond to you then
I’m not comfortable discussing this at work
I don’t have the capacity to do all that today, which tasks would you like me to prioritise?
While I am on leave, I will not be available to take calls or respond to emails
Although I can work late in emergencies, I am unable to do so on a regular basis

Sustain: How do I maintain my (new) boundaries?

It is hard to set boundaries. And it can be harder to maintain and enforce boundaries

It can take enormous effort to maintain your boundaries. You are trying to overcome a lifetime of behaving in a certain way. Your learned behaviour (habits – like motorways in your brain when your new boundaries are like rarely-trodden footpaths) will try to revert to your old ways of behaving.

People around you are used to you behaving in a certain way. And when you start behaving differently – as you implement new boundaries – they will react. They will literally try to push your boundaries. Some people may attempt to use “emotional blackmail” to get you to behave in ways that suit them but challenge your boundaries.

Remember how reinforcement works. If someone makes an unreasonable request and you comply – that’s positive reinforcement and they will do it again. If they make an unreasonable request and assert your boundary by pushing back or challenging, that’s negative reinforcement and they may think twice about repeating it in future.

Remember the wise words of Dr Gabor Mate “If you don’t know how to say no, your body will say it for you through physical illness” (see Book reviews on stress and trauma – “When the body says No”). I have several therapy clients who have experienced stress, anxiety, depression and burnout as a result of family, friends and work colleagues overstepping their boundaries.

There are assertiveness tools to support you in maintaining your boundaries. (See Assertiveness skills – getting what you want and saying “No” for further information):

Understand their needs
Probe
Acknowledge
Prepare yourself
The three-part sentence
Play a broken record
Point our discrepancies and consequences
Practice saying “No”

Consider how high performers at work set boundaries:

Topic	Don’t	Do
Unrealistic deadline	Try to make it work	Explore how to set a more realistic deadline
Last minute project	Stay late regularly	Explain that you can start in the morning
Personal time	Work into your own time	Say the times you are available
Role expansion	Take on everything	Request a review of your core duties – and what activities might be allocated elsewhere or ceased
Last minute meetings	Change plans to attend	Indicate what notice you require unless it’s an emergency
Meal interruptions	Skip meals	Advise you will help after your break
Everything is urgent	React to every ASAP	Request information about the deadline and the reasons
Weekend work	Respond immediately	Explain you will address it first thing on Monday unless it’s an emergency
Scope creep	Accept additional work silently	Explain it is outside the agreed project and request additional time or resources
Holiday messages	Keep checking emails	Use your out of office message to explain your return date – and offer someone else to help in emergencies
Meetings overload	Accept all invites	Manage your schedule and allocate breaks in between. Check why you are needed at the meeting – and whether you can join just for a portion. Ask whether an email would be preferable.
After work calls	Always be available	Say that unless it’s an emergency, you’ll call in the morning

Inevitably, there will be times when you are not be able to maintain a boundary. We all make mistakes. And it is hard to learn and consistently apply a new behaviour. But it’s OK. Don’t give up. You can try again. Practice makes perfect.

Eventually, you and people around you will adjust to your new boundaries. And it will become easier – it will feel more like second nature.

Awareness: What are boundaries? Why are they important?

Reflect: How are my boundaries?

Understand: How were my boundaries created?

Change: How do I set (new) boundaries?

Sustain: How do I maintain my (new) boundaries?

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Healthy boundaries at home and at work – how to set and maintain them

Awareness: What are boundaries? Why are they important?

Reflect: How are my boundaries?

Understand: How were my boundaries created?

Change: How do I set (new) boundaries?

Sustain: How do I maintain my (new) boundaries?

Related posts on boundaries, assertiveness, mental health and therapy

Articles

Therapy and counselling self-help book reviews

Short videos on therapy and mental health topics

Tags

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